During my absence of blogging I have been trying to get my health under control. I admit that most of my problems stem from my being overweight. Weight Watchers was a fantastic way to start this new life and I followed the plan exactly. I lost 29.9 pounds and felt fantastic. It was all about "ME" and I was taking care of myself and "selfishly" cooking how I needed to eat. I felt successful, happy, healthy and was actually enjoying life more than I had in a long time.
Then my daughter became ill. I could think of nothing else but getting her well. It was a hard time for us since we did not know what was making her so sick. Doctors, emergency rooms and tests took the place of my exercising, eating right and WW meetings. After that I never could get back on track since other responsibilities got in the way. Being selfish is the hardest thing a mom can do. Our love for our children has trained us to be there for their every want and need. How dare we take time for ourselves when there is a ball game to sit and watch for four hours? What in the world are you thinking by saying you need to work out instead of taking your teenager to see a friend? Amidst "Did you order my contacts? Did you get the stuff I needed for school? Can you bring my uniform that I forgot? Can you find my shoes I left in the middle of the kitchen floor? Can you see if I have all my stuff for the game? You didn't get ice cream?" you lose your sense of urgency in taking care of yourself. Even as I write these words I am being texted (summoned) to fulfill yet another desire! If I were to say "NO!!" the guilt would be unbearable and I still would not be taking care of "me".
As I look in the mirror I once again see the person I have become and not the one God intended me to be. The longer I look at the face I do not recognize I gain strength and determination. I DESERVE to live the rest of my life as my best. I DESERVE to take time for me and only me. Hold that thought.....I need to reply to a text........wait! Maybe I won't! Maybe I will just ignore it! As my heart pounds and I start to feel guilty, please pray for me! I need all the help I can get to break this cycle of sabotaging myself to make sure those I love have everything they could ever wish for.
((hugs)) I know exactly how you feel. This past few months it has been about me being selfish. I go to work, go to the gym and swim and then go to my parent...that in itself is so stressful, not to mention their health issues. Trying to balance my me time, try to establish a healthy relationship with a widower whom I love with all my heart and is my best friend, try to not overreact because my mom drives me insane, try to accept my daughters transition, try to spread my paycheck to help my son through college, try to be respectful for my dad's dementia and that he is forgetful and takes things out of context, try to not loose it when I make food to last a long time and it gets eaten, so no dinner for me and then my mom says "We are going to Whataburger? " Do you want something????She knows I have lost 25 pounds (BTW fantastic for your weight loss too) and then is sabotaging me and does not realize I swim for an hour 6 days a week, so why would I want a fast food hamburger and fries....????Really???? ((hugs)) again, we both need them...We need to plan a get together. Are you available Friday?
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