Standing by as a warrior of prayer for Feryn and Tanner!

I have been silent for awhile. Hopefully some of you have missed me. During my absence the only thing that comes to mind is my sorrow for others. The pain I feel for others prevents me from digging deep into my own soul and writing a blog about life adventures with the ability to look at all perspectives and come up with a lesson. When I am so deeply in thought over a specific person or persons, my own thoughts are biased. My own thoughts turn against me in an attempt to make me write about things I do not know, but fear. If I am going to get to the next level and be able to blog again, I have to address the things that have been taking over my soul and thought process these past few weeks.

The first is Feryn. Anyone who has read my blog knows that Feryn is our cousin who is at Cook’s in Dallas fighting for her life against the evil we call Gangiloneuroblastoma Stage 4. Feryn is such a fighter and nothing that they bring to the table to discuss is off limits. She is fighting and welcomes any and all tools that will help her fight. She is now in California with a doctor who has a new plan and she has had Radiation to the levels that she cannot come home for awhile. After the levels return to a safe point, they will take tests to determine if this round has done anything to ward off the cancer that is slowly trying to consume her. She has assured us she will not give up without a fight. She looks so tired and her parents are exhausted from grief and support and prayer. I am humbled by this little 8 year old girl.

I am nothing if I am not honest so writing this next part is difficult but I would not be ME if I did not tell all.

We were on our way to go see Feryn at St. Mary’s Church of the Assumption in West. Raychel was singing in the stations of the cross with the St. Jerome’s youth group. We had to be there by 6pm and were running late due to traffic. When we reached El Chico traffic had stopped and we were at a standstill way behind. We could not see up ahead and then eventually we came across an accident. We were irritated since it was taking so long to clean up and we would miss hearing Raychel sing the song that moves the audience. In my mind I was inconvenienced by this accident. I am ashamed of those thoughts now. At the time I was caught up in the fast paced life we have created for ourselves. It only took a few minutes for reality to hit me smack dab in the heart.  I started humming the song Raych was going to sing and then glanced over to my right and saw a red car being put on a trailer. The entire back end appeared to be missing. I stopped humming. I just stared. I did not even turn to my husband when I said, “Oh Dear God, please be with whomever was in that back seat. I pray that no one was in there and all is good. God please let this turn out okay.” Louie just sat in the silence of deep thought. Then I started humming again.

Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
A Man condemned to die on Calvary

He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
But He chose to walk that road out of
His love for you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of  Jerusalem.

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King
But He chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Such a powerful song. I just felt extreme heart ache after this. No actual reason but my heart felt like it was going to just fall out of my chest. We make it to the church in time and we go through the stations of the cross and Raychel’s singing was even more beautiful than the last time. She sang with so much feeling; almost like it was for someone. Afterwards we hugged Feryn and laughed about her stories from the hospital and heard about all the wonderful people she is meeting there and I just stood there looking at this now fragile being and thinking where does all this strength come from? Then the line “But he chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me” popped into my head. Her faith in His power is the strength behind this little girl.

When we got home someone had either tweeted, face booked, or texted Raychel to tell her that Tanner was in an accident. I stood still waiting to hear if it was the accident we had come across. Then I get a message from others saying they had passed that same accident without knowing it was our child Tanner. Any child in Lorena is my child. I am still a firm believer that it takes a village and if that does not work it takes a few strong Mama’s with a big stick and that always seems to set things straight. I do not want to live in a community where others cannot call on me for help or vice versa. For days I heard nothing. Tanner’s condition was very private. We continued to pray. Then one day I came across the Caring Bridge Website when I was reading the latest entry on Feryn.  From the first few words I was drawn into this family who does not even know me. I feel their pain. I feel their anguish and I am feeling something that I am sure they do too but are too kind to post. Louie asks every day for the updates. Tanner is now part of our family. There is a sadness that hangs around me all day every day. I do not sleep well anyway but now in my waking hours my thoughts are on Tanner and his family. My dedication to his father’s heartwarming blog and to prayer for his recovery has actually prevented me from my own healing by way of writing in my blog. But that is how it works. I get a few steps ahead and then I get a call from UPtown that I am needed to help others, even if it is just by prayer. Maybe sometime soon it will be my turn again.

Between Feryn and Tanner my life has changed. Without going into too much detail I just know that there are things I would fight for that I do not even care about anymore. There are arguments I would not give into that I just say “Psshh, Whatever!” because my strength needs to be saved for prayer and positive vibes for my two babies. I look at Raychel and I am so damn thankful and then I feel guilty that the Schultes and Underwoods are having this battle with the unknown.

I’m trying not to question my Buddy up in Heaven since it usually only gets me a punishment of reading versus in the bible and a lesson on faith and trust. Then I feel even worse for not believing in Him. So in lieu of “What were you thinking God? How can this stuff happen? How can these two babies and their families suffer so much when others do not even realize the good they have? Fairness? Justness?" ... I will instead say “Thank you God my savior for always showing me that with faith and prayer all things are possible. Thank you for being with the Underwoods as they bring back their son. I know it is You who is making all the good things yet to come and will share them when the time is right. I know that You led Feryn to these doctors with this new treatment so they can know that there was not one stone left unturned. Thank You for taking care of me so that I am strong and can pray for others."

In closing, know it is okay to ask “WHY?” Also know that when you ask you may not get the answer you want. But if you have faith in Him and His will to be our savior, you will eventually know the true answer. Patience is NOT a virtue of mine. I have zero. But that is okay, since more was given to the Schultes and the Underwoods and I am gladly allowing them to have my share.