How do we measure Love? God knows.

How does one measure Love? Sure, there are poems and songs and even a holiday that encourages you to feel a certain way so you know you are in love. Does your heart flutter? Does your mind race? Do you want to spend every moment with a certain someone? All these questions you ask yourself to determine if you are truly in love or are being loved the way society has lead you to expect. We see commercials and movies and even though we do not want to admit it, we question our relationships to see where they fall in comparison to these couples that we see that have found "IT". I used to silently say to myself "I want that! I want that kind of love!" after watching Pride & Prejudice for the 100th time. I would look at my napping husband and wished for him to magically transform into Mr. Darcy. God has a unique way of showing us how to find what we are looking for. I can assure you it will not be exactly what you had imagined but I can equally assure you it will be amazing. Let me get this out of the way; I love my husband and children and I love my friends and extended family. I prayed for the ability to love them unconditional and be loved back. God granted me that love but then He gave me more. Isn't that His way? HE GAVE ME MORE! I have never known a love like the love I have for my grandsons. Just the sheer mention of their names brings tears to my eyes. My heart swells up like a sappy cartoon character. I wake each morning wondering what their day will bring. I go to bed each night thanking God that they are safe and happy. Every single day of my life I am honored to be called Oma. There is nothing I would not do for them and I expect nothing in return except them knowing how much I love them. No poem, movie or holiday could have ever described this type of love. See? God gave me more. I can only imagine that this is how He feels about us; He loves us unconditionally and wants nothing in return except to acknowledge how much He loves us. He wakes us up each morning with the beautiful break of dawn and He tells us goodnight each evening with the setting sun. He wants our days to be fulfilling and centered around His love for us. Oh I am sure His love for us is greater than I can imagine. It has to be because I also know that my love for these boys is more than I could have ever thought possible. I am blessed and honored to feel this kind of Love. I am also beyond grateful to be the recipient of even more.

How does God do it?

I don’t know how God does it. Every single minute of every single day…. Social media brings us closer to all the craziness out in the world. Things I would never have known pop up on my news feed. With each post comes various emotions. Some make us smile. Some anger us. Some make us realize how blessed we truly are. Perhaps I was living in denial all those years before Facebook, Twitter and Instragram. The more I see the more I believe that maybe that was not a bad thing. Today alone, there were baby rapers, robbers shooting clerks and students, politicians lying about each other and raids on local businesses who are trafficking women. Then there are the ones that ask for money. Dog owners asking for help with their vet bills, others asking for help with utilities and medical bills. Go Fund Me is the cyber way of standing on the street asking for help for the cause you feel may be worthy of your hard earned money. In between all these posts are the religious reminders of who is truly in charge. The motivational memes, “copy and paste or you will go to hell” and the “Please like if you agree” posts are never ending. And as I am reading all these posts and contemplating my duty as a fellow human being, I wonder, “How does God deal with this every single day?” He knows all this craziness and loves us anyway. How can that be? I am frustrated, sad, heartbroken and angry when I see what is happening in our own home towns. I am sickened by the lack of humanity across the world. Even though the bible assures us, I believe society as a whole is no longer worthy of His love. The closer we get to Good Friday, the more I fear that one day God will say “Enough!” and put us all in our places. Wait…maybe that is not such a bad thing either.

How does one "worship"?

God has been urging me to write this post for some time now. I keep putting it off thinking that I have nothing that will help others. Our family is going through changes with my mom, trying to rebuild a burned house, finding a new forever home for a beloved family pet and just trying to get through the insurance red tape. I am exhausted both physically and mentally. As some of you know my beautiful daughter is a worship leader at a local church. Her passion for Christ and her love to serve, along with her amazing voice and musical abilities, make her a strong leader in the world of prayer and faith. I go to her service and I enjoy it greatly. I often have tears in my eyes from the sheer beauty of her voice and ability to bring people to their feet in "worship". I find myself thinking, "I want to be like that!". I have a strong belief in God and know that without Him I am nothing. I also believe that my prayers are heard and my heart is healed with His power. However, when I see others worship, I do not truly understand it. Where does this power and passion and inner joy so strong it makes you jump to your feet, come from? Before each sermon the minister has someone pass the microphone around so others can share a story where "God is at work". I love the stories and I sit silently reflecting on all the ways God has been by my side the previous week. When Raychel sings my heart is filled with joy and my heart is full...is this worship? When the minister is in the midst of his sermon and I can relate to what he is saying and often feel he is talking to me...is this worship? I leave every week wanting to know if what I felt and heard was what others call worship. It was well after 2 am the other evening when I got to bed. I called upon God to help me get through the rest of this week and to let me feel that all will be ok. I closed my eyes and I had a vision of God kneeling beside me and stroking my hair. No words....just stroking my hair. I had tears in my eyes and finally dozed off. Was this worship? Still struggling to be amongst the elite group of those that truly KNOW the He is your path to the future he has planned for you, I was driving to the gym to get some much needed exercise to clear my mind. In the middle of one of my favorite songs a banner came up that showed a Ronnie Milsap song was playing on another station. Without even second guessing I clicked the banner. I do not listen to country but Milsap was one of my favorite artists back in the late seventies. The song that played was "what a difference you made in my life". As I listened to the words I felt an overwhelming fullness in my chest and I started to weep. What is wrong with me?? I just kept crying and listening to the words. And then it came......the feeling that everyone was talking about. The feeling that God was inside my heart and I was His child. The feeling one gets when they are caught up in the moment and feel the spirit and are worshiping the God that makes it all possible. How can this be? A Ronnie Milsap song? Here are the words

What a difference you've made in my life What a difference you've made in my life You're my sunshine day and night Oh, what a difference you've made in my life What a change you have made in my heart What a change you have made in my heart You replaced all the broken parts Oh, what a change you have made in my heart Love to me was just a word in a song that had been way overused But now I've joined in the singin' 'Cause you've shown me love's true meanin' That's why I want to spread the news

God has "fixed" my heart and all my broken pieces. He has changed my life. He has shown me what love is. I can truly say, I finally know the feeling of worship and it came to me in a country song. Go Figure.

I am officially an Oma!

When my grandson was born I was so excited to be called "Oma". We are of German descent so this is what my kids called my mom and I called her mom. It is an honored title that is taken very seriously. From the first moment I laid eyes on my precious Kade Joseph I felt this deep feeling of having to give him anything and everything he could ever hope for. In return I would be called Oma and he would want to spend time with me because I am just cool like that! (this was the plan!) Yesterday on my way home from work my phone rang but I could not answer. When I got in the house I saw that I had missed a facetime from my beautiful daughter in law. On my phone was a short video of her and Kade who was sitting in her lap. I played the video....I cried tears of joy...my grandson wanted to facetime his Oma! Although he does not say Oma quite like most, he made it clear he wanted to talk to me. Of course when I called back he was done with me in 60 seconds and I had to put Bella on the phone to lure him back, but the thought is what is important. I am officially an Oma!! Can it get any better than this?

And then God said "Good morning"!

This past week has been hard for me. A dear friend of mine passed away unexpectedly, my mother is still having a hard time with her broken wrist and other illnesses that life has dealt to her, my daughter had yet another wreck and time runs out each day before all my tasks are completed. I have not forced myself to exercise or eat right. I believe I am in a funk. I have not felt this heartache since my father died. You know, that deep wrenching pain in your chest that you feel at any moment may truly be the death of you? Yep, that pain. I find tears streaming down my face throughout the day. My whole body feels so heavy. I truly just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and stay there. This morning was no different. I dreamt of my dear friend and woke with tears in my eyes. As I type this I have tears hitting the keyboard. God knows how much I loved Janet and how grateful I am for having known her. I pray she knows what an impact she had on my and my family's life. But when I got up this morning with a heavy heart I saw the sun streaming through the shutters. It never does that since they are truly well made and block out the light. However on this particular morning my bedroom was bright with light. I stood for a moment and looked at the shutters and then I opened them.....Holy Moly, what a beautiful day! And that is when I heard God say "Good morning! Count your blessings today and leave the rest to me!" It is then I laughed at the memories of the past two days with my grandson. He is such a gift. I looked outside and saw the rewards of all the hard work my husband puts into our yard to make it a safe haven in Paradise. Beautiful. I read a text from my daughter saying she was safe at school. Grateful. I thought of how amazing my son and daughter in law are and how much I love them! Blessed. God forced me to think of the many blessings he has bestowed on me. One of those was my dear friend Janet. I still hurt and tears still flow for my loss. However, I know that God had a plan and that although she surely would have chosen to stay with all of us, she is truly healthy, happy and whole waiting on us to come home. Now I must find a way to be glad with that knowledge and trust in Him. "Good morning, God! Thank You for sending the light."

Not carrying old baggage into the new year....

As I sit and think about the things that happened in 2014 I am left with mixed feelings. We said goodbye to loved ones, welcomed a new grandson into the fold and tried to keep in touch with family and friends as we rushed through our busy lives. I think back on the list of things I intended to accomplish and realize that the list changed as the months passed. I feel heavy with baggage left unpacked. I am hopeful for a lighter load and new beginnings in 2015. But how do we let go of the things we carry forward? How do we scratch the tasks undone off the list to make room for exciting new ones? I have few regrets but those that I do have are painful. I have many accomplishments to be thankful for but those regrets get in the way of allowing me to be truly happy over them. So, for 2015 I am making no resolutions. I am making no lists. However, I am taking all those regrets and placing them in my unpacked baggage and leaving them at the door. I am starting with a blank piece of paper. No worries, no regrets, no failures, no undone tasks and no heavy load. I am excited to see where God takes me. Happy New Year friends. May you all check your baggage at the door and have a safe slide into 2015.

Missing that "Christ"mas feeling.

It is a little past midnight, December 25. I have been preparing for this moment in time for at least 7 months. From Halloween to New Year it is my favorite time of the year and I love all the sparkle, baking, wrapping of gifts and the best part, giving. I love to give. I love to see the joy of my kids when they get something they would have never thought of getting for themselves. And this year was even more special since I got to enjoy the excitement with my 11 month old grandson. So what is wrong with me? Where is my deep soulful feeling of Christmas? Where is my true spirit of the season? I am looking over my Facebook feed and post after post is about the feeling of the season missing from the celebrations of others. Person after person posting " I just do not feel it", " I can barely get my gifts wrapped", "I didn't send out cards this year". Attending church Christmas Eve I kept waiting. I enjoyed it immensely. I loved the music, the message and the company. But I never did get that "feeling". I am being totally honest, I am worried for us all. This feeling or lack thereof can not be a coincidence. Something is missing this year. Is God trying to send us a message? As I type this my heart is heavy. I have so very much to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond measure. God has given me a life that is rich and full of love and laughter. God has ............that's it! God has given me, us, all of us the ultimate gift. There is nothing that can compare. Nothing that matters as much. Nothing that can be of more value. God has given us His one and only son and unless we focus on that one true gift, then everything else will be of no worth. That feeling of opening the most precious gift of all time can only come from celebrating the birth of Christ. No decorations, cards, lights or cookies can give you that inner peace of heart. Tomorrow the family is coming over for fellowship and making special memories. Knowing that God's blessing will be with us all guarantees a day filled with the joy of the season. Merry "Christ"mas my friends and may you all feel the true meaning of this glorious day.

Changing my life one push-up at a time.

The shutdown of your body comes slowly. One day you can no longer bend at the knees and get back up without grunting. Walking up the football stadium bleachers to the reserved seats you've had for 20 plus years feels like you ran a marathon (not that I would know firsthand, but I've heard about it) and getting up off the floor after playing with your grandchild or puppy is achieved by getting carpet burns from scooting on your knees to the nearest piece of sturdy furniture to pull yourself up. It is a sad day when you realize you have limitations and age and obesity have taken over your body. One would think that the moment this realization smacked me upside the head, I would do something about it....I did.....I told myself that this is what it is and I have to make the best of it. As the years passed I just kept "doing the best I can", or so I thought. I must admit that I have never been athletic. Sure, I was a cheerleader and walked everywhere as a teenager living in Germany but I never, ever exercised. I was on a running team in Germany and I would put on this adorable Adidas outfit, run into the forest, light a cigarette and wait it out. When enough time had passed I would sneak my way to exit from the forest and stumble back to school pretending to have run the entire practice route. We never competed. It was just a PE class. Am I ashamed of this? I should be but I'm not. A dear friend came to work for me and she is the annoying "exercise and fitness" freak. She gets up at the crack of dawn, goes to some boot camp, comes to work, goes home to ride 30 miles on her bike and on the weekends she runs marathons. She was truly getting on my nerves. The age difference between us became more and more evident as she talked of all her accomplishments. In my head I was saying "You just wait until you are in your fifties girly!" This is how I justified my aches and pains as I got out of my office chair to walk across the room. My diabetes numbers were slowly creeping back up and I never truly felt good. Even though I kept telling myself I could not change I started dieting and walking a couple miles a week. I felt accomplished. I lost 45 pounds and started walking more. I was now at a stage where I knew "this is as good as it gets". Then it happened...After a year of trying to convince me to at least try a boot camp (these conversations always ended with me rolling my eyes and muttering "that will never happen") my friend told me that the boot camp is in my area and that they were running a special and I could try it for a month for the measly price of $6. I pay that for a cup of coffee so I humored her and signed myself up. My friend Jennifer came with me to the first camp and I met the trainer Nicole. Even if you are in the best shape of your life, just looking at Nicole will humble you. She has .0001% body fat, muscles to put Arnold Schwarzennegger to shame, a smile that will brighten any room and the spunk to motivate even the most professional couch potato. THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD DO THIS!!! I will spare you the aches and pains detail and how I was so sick after my first workout I threw up and just say this. "I am a proud member of the Camp Gladiator team!" I have an entire group of amazing "family" that motivate me and encourage me to be better. They do not judge, make me feel bad if I physically cannot hang with them and pick me up when I am down. Nicole holds us all accountable by calling us out on social media if we miss a class.(I have never missed a class!) She also makes herself available 24/7 for each and every one of us. I am now 53 pounds lighter, ride my bike to and from camp, can get up off the ground by myself, can squat, plank and do a push up! Camp Gladiator has changed my life. It has offered me a new beginning and I am taking it! We are never too old, too fat, too weak or too uncoordinated. We just have to take the challenge and jump off that cliff. I promise you that Camp Gladiator will catch your fall. I am forever thankful. It is with great emotion that I say thank you to Jennifer for the push and encouragement and Nicole and my CG team for "Keeping it Real"! Wut! Wut!

A Step Back in Time with Lionel Richie

First and foremost I am NOT an idol worshiper. I enjoy great talent like the next person but I do not stand in lines begging for autographs, I do not scream when I see someone famous and I would never, ever pay for a concert to hear someone sing when I can listen at my leisure at home.....until now. My son and DIL surprised me with tickets to see my all time favorite, Lionel Richie. I could listen to his music "All Night Long" and even though I am happily married, I think he is one luscious chocolate lollipop. Even at the grand age of 65 he is Hawt, Hawt, Hawt. At first I was like...do I really want to fight the crowds and go see him in person? And then I decided that I would step out of my box and go to my first concert. I am not including the time that Alabama came to Killeen High School for a mini performance. I got to choose who I wanted to go with me to share this experience and I chose my hubby. He has been listening to Lionel for as long as I have and has grown to appreciate his music almost as much as I do. I fretted the entire months between my gift and the big night. We headed out early to go visit my son and his family and I got to get smoochies from my grandson Kade. Now if I was an idol worshiper it would be for him! He is just down right amazing. I read reviews of the venue and I was prepared for all the negative things that were mentioned. We took our time and got there well before the first act of Celo Green started. There was no crowd at the restroom, no long lines for drinks,no people falling all over each other, actually none of the things I read about were part of my experience. We made our way to our seats and even though my husband is very tall he had enough room to sit. The seats are very close together so you quickly become besties with the person beside you. Lionel still has it...there were people there from the age of 17-85. There were city slickers, country folk, people who spoke no English and those where it was evident they were groupies and followed him to every venue he travels to. Those were fun to watch! I knew I would go back down memory lane when Lionel actually started performing. I knew that I would know every word to every song. I did NOT know however, that when the firsts chord of "Just to be Close to You" echoed through the arena, I would weep. Yes, real tears streaming down my face. My Lionel was singing this song just for me. No one else was there. Just me. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. This show was amazing and I am so grateful for the chance to experience it with my husband. I am still not a super fan or an idol worshiper. I did not buy a T-shirt or want his autograph, but I do feel that I am now personal friends with Mr. Richie. For a small space in time, I was not part of the older crowd following memories.....I was 15 again and making new memories to one day share with my children and grandchildren. Lionel Richie you are the best of the best. You make me want to dance "all Night Long" and I will love you "Always and Forever"!

Kade Joseph

From the moment you hold your first born in your arms you feel a love unlike anything you have every felt before. You immediately become superhuman and your only goal in life is to love, nurture and protect this little being from anything that may cause the slightest harm. You no longer think in terms of “I” or even “we” as a couple. Instead your thoughts are all about “him/her”. What does the baby need? What does he want? Will this be good for him? Will this hurt him? No decision, no matter how small, is made without this baby’s welfare in mind. It is a lifelong relationship that will change you forever. When the second child comes along, miraculously you have the ability to love him/her just as much as you did the first. How can this be? All you had to give was taken up already so where did this additional love come from? And just when you thought you could not love anything more than you love your children along comes your first grandchild. You know you are going to love them as much as you love your own children. You will have all the same desires to nurture and protect. You will be a grandparent but the parent in you will shine through as bright as the shining sun. Everyone tells you that you will feel a love that you have never known before and it will be so bountiful that you can not measure it. I thought I knew exactly what they were talking about..... ....And then Kade arrived. The love in my heart is unlike anything I have ever felt before or even could have imagined. It is the same love you have for your own children but magnified by 1000. I was overwhelmed with love for my son and daughter in law and so happy for them that they now have this angel to share their lives with. I was excited to see the face that would belong to the little boy who would call me Oma. I wept as I held his feet in my hands and caressed his fingers knowing these would be the hands that would help his Papa Louie build things and the feet that would run through our house when he comes to visit. Even now almost 8 weeks later, I can not get enough of looking at him and holding him and wanting everything in the world to be his. God gave us a heart to love our children but he built an extra door that only opens when you hold your grandchildren for the first time. Behind this door is a continuous outpour of so much love that it can not be contained or described by humanly words. It is like God has sent a part of himself to you so that you may get a glimpse of what heaven is like. Welcome to this world Kade Joseph. You are much loved.

Spring has arrived...

Spring is an exciting time of year. The weather usually gets warmer, trees are blooming, small creatures are raising their heads and songs of the birds fill the air. As a Catholic, Spring reminds me of Lent since we are smack dab in the middle of the Lenten season when the first day of Spring arrives. I never give it deep thought since I know spring is coming and I welcome it and I usually know what to expect. This year it has new meaning to me. These past few weeks have been heavy on the heart and soul of who I am. My family is trying to dig out of the winter of our lives and seek hope in the new beginnings Spring promises. We have had our share of the winter blahs by way of car wrecks, house floods, yard leaks, things needing repairs, heartaches and illnesses. We were waiting for a flash of light that reminds us that it will all be okay....and then today we awoke by the glorious light of the sun on a day known as "Spring" and I knew .....it will all be okay. I am reminded that is it time to do Spring Cleaning which usually means to clean out the closets, take the rugs outside and beat them, throw away all the things that bog you down or that have no place in your life anymore. Is it just a coincidence that this is also what we need to do with our hearts and souls during Lent? Isn't this what Lent is about; Cleansing the soul to be rid of the things that keep you from focusing on the true importance of the Easter season? Today as I start my cleaning out of sock drawers, hall closets and kitchen cabinets, I will purge my soul of things that have weighed me down. I will fill that void with prayer and thanks to God for his generous blessings. It will be a slow process and will probably take me until Easter weekend but I can assure you when I am doing my final chore of washing all the windows, not only will I see the light shining through the panes of glass but I will feel the warmth of the light He has placed within me. Enjoy the spring and know there is a much stronger light on the way.

Just Hold Out Your Hand...

It feels like forever since I last posted a blog. So much has happened; both good and bad. I will make an attempt to write more to catch everyone up. However, today I was looking at my Facebook timeline and saw all these posts about how people feel they are alone and how they wish they knew God was there or had some way of knowing they are on the right track and I was overwhelmed with the urge to share this with all of you. I have been having some health issues. As those of you with chronic pain know, after awhile it starts to take the spunk out of your personality. You just try to make it through the day without lashing out at everyone you come in contact with. Along with the pain, my daughter has Senioritis, my mother has oldgrumpyladyitis, my husband has imtoooldforthiscrapitis and my son is politely keeping his distance from us all. Last week I had hit rock bottom.....the pain in my knee brought tears to my eyes, my father in law was in the hospital again, I had another argument with the alien that used to be my beautiful little girl, my mother was feeling neglected and my husband was totally exhausted from doing everyone's errands and still trying to work. I finally laid my head on my pillow at 2:10am. I looked at the clock and just laid there with tears in my eyes. For the first time in my life...and I have been through some rough times....I felt like there was no hope. And then it happened......I reached out my hand and with all that I am I asked God to hold it. "Dear God, please come hold my hand. I can't do this anymore"....and He did. I felt a hand grasp mine with such strength and assurance that I wept. God waited until I called for him. He waited until "I" knew I needed Him and only Him to help me. And He came. I finally slept. The next night I asked Him to hold my daughter Raychel while she was sleeping. The next day she seemed in a better mood. I wonder if she knows He held her in his loving arms all night? Some of you will not believe this and that's okay. It lets me know that you have never truly reached rock bottom and with all your soul called out His name. Please take comfort in knowing that if you ever do, He will be there.

Father's Day is Bittersweet

I have been holding back on writing a Father's Day blog since the only way I have been able to get through this day for the past 14 years was to not think about what this day really means to me.

My father had a painful childhood that led him to be a tough and guarded military man. Showing no emotion meant you were in total control. And as all you Army brats out there know, the higher the rank of your Father, the less time he had to be a "dad". He was a leader, an organizer, a protector, a warrior and a family man. His "family" was the troops he was in charge of and his wife and children. He ran his home like he ran his units. Without intending to, he taught me that the more you rule your life with your knowledge and skill the further you will go. If you let emotion guide your decisions then that one second of hesitation would prove costly to those that you are in charge of, including yourself.  However his message was clear;  He will always protect me from harm and there is nothing in life that is out of my reach with hard work and dedication.

After his retirement my father went on to retire from Wilsonart. His job was safety and maintenance. He was in control. He was a certified police officer and worked for Harker Heights when he was not working at Wilsonart. When they moved to Lorena he became a Lorena police officer and then went on to work for AAFES as a police officer. You can tell from the job choices that he was dedicated, hard working and still in control. Always in control.

Then the control was taken away.....Daddy had a stroke in 1994. All his hard work had taken its toll on his body. It was hard to watch. The most intelligent man I knew had to struggle for simple words. The man that worked from dawn to 10 pm every day was unable to stand for long lengths of time. I was unsure if he understood me or even knew what was going on around him. He fought hard and was able to eventually communicate and walk again. He was not the man he used to be but he was the man who showed us all how much we were loved. He was no longer in control and this allowed him to show emotion and with that emotion came the deepest friendship and love from the man who had been so guarded all of my life.

Raychel was born two years later and that is when I was able to truly get to know the man behind the wall. Raychel was a total surprise from God. God knew that daddy needed her and I needed daddy. I finally got to spend time with my rock. We talked about so many topics that were forbidden before; Vietnam, his family, his hopes and his dreams.  For two and a half years daddy saw Raych every single day possible and this meant I got to share that time with him as well. The love he had for her was unlike any I had ever seen. When you stood by and watched them you could feel this deep, deep emotion that brought tears to your eyes. I was thrilled daddy had something to look forward to every day and I was happy for Raych who came to know a love so complete that it would stay with her forever.

Then at the very young age of 58, he was gone. I replay the day he passed over and over in my head. Even after all these years my heart aches so badly I feel I can't breath. It's not fair! Even though he lived a life of 5 men, he was too young to leave me and his family. As I type this I have a feeling of such loss that nothing else seems to matter but being able to see him again and feel those mighty hands upon my shoulder. I want that hug that went completely around my body and made me feel like no one can ever hurt me. I want to be able to buy a Father's day gift that he will pretend to like. I want to touch that face of his and look into those eyes of such great knowledge and intense pain. It is at times like this that I question God's plan.

Many of you who read this will say that I am just like my dad. I can seem unemotional, focused, intense and always in control. On the flip side, I love my children more than life itself. There is nothing I won't do for them. I will not apologize....I am proud to be called my father's daughter.

Happy Father's day Master Sargent Kenneth Milton Shelton. Thank you for being my dad.

Kale chips? No way!

My goal for better health in 2013 is to exercise, lose weight and eat lots of fruits and vegetables.  It is a constant struggle….I love salty, greasy, crunchy chips! All kinds of chips; Lays orginal, Cheetos, Kettle chips, corn chips…you get the idea.

I have heard that kale is a medical marvel. Lots of vitamins, lots of flavor and you can make them into chips!! OMG! I can have all the chips I want with no guilt and no added inches to my already obese frame. I searched all the recipes online and even though I was a bit leery, it seemed simple enough…..olive oil, lots of sea salt and a huge mound of delicious green kale leaves.

First stop Wal-Mart. No kale. “Sir, can you tell me if you have any kale in the back? The bin is empty.” “No ma’am, we sell what we get in.” Now I am thinking to myself how amazing these chips are going to be since they cannot even keep kale in stock!

HEB-No kale.

Brookshire’s-No kale.

Now I am like a drug addict in search of a bag of green stuff. I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!

Last night my husband surprised me with an Easter gift. It was a huge bag of luscious green crinkled kale. I was so excited I could not wait to get the leaves washed, dried and into the olive oil and salt mixture. I gently put the parchment paper on a cookie sheet, turned on the oven, set the timer and gently placed these babies into the device that was going to turn these green healthy weeds, I mean leaves, into chips!!

The smell was a bit odd. A cross between salty oil and old spinach. I assumed this was the way they would become delicious niblets of salty goodness. The oven would cook the vegetable taste out of them. The buzzer went off and I grabbed my oven mitt and took the now green and goldish colored crispy things out of the oven and placed them on a rack to cool. I was so excited. My son and DIL were on their way home for the weekend and I could not wait to share this experience with them. My daughter was waiting with me. I kept checking back to see if they were cool. FINALLY!!! I pick up one  of the leaves and turn it over examining it like a rare jewel. I closed my eyes and placed it in my mouth and it just fell apart….mmmm….salt…olive oil….dirty socks and grass….wait! What??? This is a sick joke. These are nothing like potato chips. How can all those people be so wrong? All those articles on the internet about how amazing they are can’t be made up. “Raychel come try these!” Her face was priceless. At least this is a way to get her to drink more water! After that no one would even come into the kitchen, let alone try the kale.

After all this work I kinda wish I was a druggie. At least I could smoke the stuff. Where are my kettle chips?

50 and Fabulous!

The threat of today has been long in coming. As soon as Christmas was over the next milestone in my life was in the forefront of my mind. I will be turning 50. Just seeing the numbers in print makes my heart skip a beat. I do not know why I have this reaction because I am not vain or insecure nor have I ever been one to keep up with all the trends and fads to stay young. Basically what you see is what you get. My hair is more often than not in a pony tail, my make up is minimal and even though I am a lipstick addict, I rarely find time to put it on. I am a "get up at 7:30am and out the door by 7:45" kind of woman.

I looked in the mirror as I was getting ready (Yes, I had to flip it to the magnified side. Hush!) and saw a few more wrinkles that I had not noticed before. My lips are a bit thinner. My once big brown eyes are squinting to see, my beautiful black thick hair is now half gray that is kept under wraps by my beautiful cousin Donna, and my hands have these nice latte colored spots that are called ...egads!....age spots. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?! Sigh...that is me.....at 50.

The celebrating started this weekend with a night out with my best friend and her husband, a movie at the house with the addition of the kids who had just come in from the dance and Raychel and her cousin Ashlee baking cupcakes, a birthday cake and pudding parfaits. All of which I should not eat due to my diet. Their hearts were in the right place so I did not mind. Today I arrived at work and my coworkers made two different low calorie desserts, a vegetable tray and I see a huge Over the Hill sign plastered to my door. There are too many messages on my cell phone and the house phone rang off the wall this morning. So many people wanted to wish me a good day and take the time to gloat about either being younger or the fact that I am now "one of them".

My Facebook page is full of well wishes. My in box is being filled with virtual cards. My coworkers  keep popping in and smiling. I sit here trying to take stock of the past 50 years.

I AM 50! Okay, it's out there. I think I have been going about this all wrong. I have been trying desperately to review the path that brought me here to this place in time. Instead I need to just look at where I am at this precise moment and where I intended to go from here.

I surround myself with loving, caring and fun people. I have God as my daily guide and I have my family who can bring you down to the earth as quickly as the can raise you up. I have great friends who truly care about me and I about them. I have children who are strong and bold and gutsy.I have a husband who has watched this face and body change from a beautiful tall, thin 17 year old to the gorgeous, fat and fabulous 50 year old I am today and he still loves me. (I had to throw gorgeous in there or else I would cry!)

I am putting everyone on notice. The first half of my life I have spent building a foundation for my family. The second half will be spent loving life and enjoying what God has blessed me with. There will be changes ahead. I started with my hair by cutting off four inches and adding the big red bold chunks in the front. Who knows what will come next? One thing I know for sure 50 will be like no other year I ever celebrated before. As you see me change this year, I only ask one thing...unless you are over 50 do not judge me. Your turn will come sooner than you think.

Next weekend I will celebrate with my handsome son and my beautiful daughter in law. They will make it fun and young and hip. I will try to keep up!

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you mom and dad for bringing me into this world. Now it's time for me to enjoy every bit of it!

Happy 16th Birthday Sunshine!

16 years ago at this exact moment I was sitting in a hospital room getting my very first epidural. My mother and father were there along with Nathan and Louie. It was indeed a family event. We were waiting on our sweet Raychel to join our family. At 2:25 pm our “Ray” of sunshine was born. She was 10 lbs. and 21 inches long with the most vivid birthmark on her forehead where the angels gave her one last kiss before sending her down.  

 

We knew Raychel was not the average baby from the moment she cried her first cry. She was louder, bigger, more alert and more demanding than the other babies in the nursery. Raychel was being passed around in the stands at her 14 year old brother's basketball game the week she was born. At three weeks my dear friend Janet Niemeyer was feeding her honey and sopapillas  when we had a Lorena High School Boys basketball dinner at El Chico. She also introduced Raychel to iced tea that she gave her drops of from her straw. From that day on Raychel was not satisfied with milk and we had to put her on cereal and fruit. Raychel sat up, crawled and started babbling well before she was six months old. At 9 months she was walking all over the house and getting into everything. I was not used to this since Nathan was the “perfect” child. He never got into trouble and always minded. However, our Raychel broke every rule we gave her and without even realizing it, everyone around her would end up following HER rules.  Raychel had so many wonderful “moms” and since most were teachers she learned to talk in full sentences before the age of two. This led to some very interesting conversations about heaven, God and where she came from before she came to earth.  Raychel would talk to spirits, visited random graves and would tell me all about the person buried there. I had to warn everyone who came in contact with her that she might talk about things that were not “normal” and had to assure them that Raychel was not in need of therapy.  Shopping was always a bit awkward since we had to make room in the cart for all her "friends" and had to wait on all of them to get in the van before I could close the door. Yes, anyone who witnessed this thought I was crazy. I would smile and whisper for everyone to hurry and get in! (sigh)

Raychel had the pleasure of being raised with her amazing brother and a wonderful group of teenage boys who were all 14 years older than she was. They played with her, let her fix their hair, performed concerts at Christmas for her, threw her in the swimming pool and now protect her like one of their own family. Before she would date a boy, he had to meet and be approved of by her brother and two of his closest friends.  

Through the years we realized that God had truly blessed Raychel with so much talent and a soul that is wise beyond it’s years. In spite of being stubborn, mouthy, demanding and messy; she is smart, funny, loyal and forgiving. Raychel will stand in front of anyone who needs protecting, get involved in causes that make the world a better place and stand firm in her beliefs and morals. When she is the topic of rumors and High School drama she tries to set the record straight but then ignores it since her priority is what God knows to be true. During the week you will find Raychel in a gym playing Basketball or Volleyball or at home doing her homework. On Sunday you will find Raychel at church from 3-6:30pm singing with the church band. If you ask her why she devotes most of her Sunday to singing in church she will gladly tell you what she told me, “When I sing for God, I feel whole.”

There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God and the Angels who brought her to us.  Even though she has made Louie and I age faster than we should have, makes me drink that second glass of wine and causes us to both lay awake many nights wondering what on earth we are going to do with her, we are truly blessed to have her in our lives. She will always be our baby girl.

Most of you already know she was named “Ray”chel because her Opa said that the day she was born was the day the sun shined the brightest. I believe he was right.

 

Happy 16^th Birthday Sunshine! You are amazing! Your father and I cannot wait to see you take on the world!

It's time to be selfish!

During my absence of blogging I have been trying to get my health under control. I admit that most of my problems stem from my being overweight. Weight Watchers was a fantastic way to start this new life and I followed the plan exactly. I lost 29.9 pounds and felt fantastic. It was all about "ME" and I was taking care of myself and "selfishly" cooking how I needed to eat. I felt successful, happy, healthy and was actually enjoying life more than I had in a long time.

Then my daughter became ill. I could think of nothing else but getting her well. It was a hard time for us since we did not know what was making her so sick. Doctors, emergency rooms and tests took the place of my exercising, eating right and WW meetings. After that I never could get back on track since other responsibilities got in the way. Being selfish is the hardest thing a mom can do. Our love for our children has trained us to be there for their every want and need. How dare we take time for ourselves when there is a ball game to sit and watch for four hours? What in the world are you thinking by saying you need to work out instead of taking your teenager to see a friend? Amidst "Did you order my contacts? Did you get the stuff I needed for school? Can you bring my uniform that I forgot? Can you find my shoes I left in the middle of the kitchen floor? Can you see if I have all my stuff for the game? You didn't get ice cream?" you lose your sense of urgency in taking care of yourself. Even as I write these words I am being texted (summoned) to fulfill yet another desire! If I were to say "NO!!" the guilt would be unbearable and I still would not be taking care of "me".

As I look in the mirror I once again see the person I have become and not the one God intended me to be. The longer I look at the face I do not recognize I gain strength and determination. I DESERVE to live the rest of my life as my best. I DESERVE to take time for me and only me. Hold that thought.....I need to reply to a text........wait! Maybe I won't! Maybe I will just ignore it! As my heart pounds and I start to feel guilty, please pray for me! I need all the help I can get to break this cycle of sabotaging myself to make sure those I love have everything they could ever wish for.

No one said I had to "like" you.

 I promised God to love my children with all that I am and I truly do. I would give up my own life for them. But sometimes it is truly hard to like them. I used to be embarrassed to admit this. The older I get the easier the words "I really don't like you right now!" flow from my mouth. The first time I said it out loud I believe my daughter stopped in her tracks and stared at me. I could see those little wheels working in her head. "Did my mother just say she did not like me???!!" I saw the puzzled look on her face so I repeated it.....twice!(Evil grin)

Thankfully my feelings come in stages. The first year is when they are about 10. Seriously, it is hard to like a ten year old. They are inquisitive know it alls. They are trying to find a niche for themselves before Junior High which makes them bossy and mouthy and they are so very messy! While my heart is overflowing with love, the rest of me wants to kick them out of my "inner circle". Then God finds it in his heart to allow them to become more pleasant for a couple of years and then they hit 13. Anyone with a 13 year old knows what I am talking about. One moment they are so grown up and fun to socialize with and you even find yourself wanting to "hang out" with them. Then while you are mid sentence, a light switches off in the brain and you find yourself talking to a moody teenager who can not remember what you told them three seconds ago let alone follow instructions for the day. When you question them about anything their voice goes up five octaves and they are truly offended that you would dare speak to them. This is when loving them is hard, let alone liking the little monsters. This stage lasts pretty much until they graduate High School. I do believe it is God's plan to make them so unlikeable it is easier to say goodbye when they head off to college and a life of thier own.

When they are grown and have become the adults you intended them to be you are truly in awe of how charming and funny and likable they are. You want to spend time with them. You even beg them to come see you so you can be with them. You like them so much, you would do anything to welcome them back into that precious inner circle.........then one day you hear "Mom I truly love you, but I really don't like you right now!".

God has a quirky sense of humor.

Parenting is a life long commitment!

Being a parent is tough. Anyone who tells you that raising children is a breeze is either lying, taking Prozac or seriously in denial. It is a full time job for a minimum of 50 years with no retirement plan. I would say it is 24/7 x 365 days but for most people there are about 7 hours a day that you can sleep and not actively parent. However, you are on call during those hours so in my case this does not apply.

I once thought what when my children got older and could take care of themselves that I would actually have a life of my own. I could take a nap, go to bed early, sleep late, eat when I want, drink what I want and do whatever my heart desired. After all, they could take care of themselves, right? The goal of being a good parent is to raise loving, kind and intelligent members of society. It is our jobs to nurture, protect and love these little beings with all that we are. Then when the time comes for them to go out on their own we are done, right?

WRONG!

And if being wrong is not disappointing enough, being so wrong you need therapy is a rude awakening.

I don't know the exact moment in time when I realized what was happening but it has been within the last month. Coincidentally my daughter has been dating the "love of her life" during this same time frame. Let me ponder....nope, not a coincidence. Instead of me being able to relax and enjoy more sleep, more free time, more "me" time and the knowledge that I have raised two amazing children, I have now added another child to my family. My worries, concerns and parenting radar has now doubled. This is NOT the way it is supposed to work. I am supposed to have less responsibility not more!

Now I worry about four people instead of two. My son is married and they live in NY and are happy, healthy and whole. They are two of the most amazing young adults I know. They are bright, funny, loving, kind and so very talented. A parent's dream children! Jodi's parents and Louie and I did a great job parenting these two. I should not have any worries. Wrong again. I still worry when I do not talk to Nate every day. I worry about Jodi and her safety when she travels alone in the Big Apple even though she is from New York and is probably safer than Nate. I worry about them as a couple and if they are okay and eating well. I worry if they have had their dental or medical check-ups, I worry about Nate's knee surgery and if proper care is being taken to assure longer results. I worry because he never seems to sleep!! Is he taking care of himself? The list is endless.

Raychel is the youngest so she causes me the most worry. I worry about her school work, her athletics, her music, her back injury, her latest illness and about her hair turning green in the pool! I worry when she does not check in after school or when she is not at home. I worry about her future and where life will take her. And now I worry about her heart........

And if all this was not enough, I now worry about Bobby. Did he make it home okay? Did he eat before he went to work? Do I need to cook when he comes over late? Is everything okay? Will this fall bring him as much joy at UMHB as he is anticipating. Is he getting enough sleep?

Just when I thought I was getting more vacation time from this full time job of parenting, I was given a promotion and more responsibility. Instead of my usual 5 hours of sleep a night I now get 3. I should be very upset, right?

WRONG!

I am tired, worn out and often frustrated but I would not trade any of my babies for  long naps, early bed times, sleeping late, eating when I want, drinking what I want or doing whatever my heart desired. My life would not be complete without them in it. Just the mere thought of them makes my heart overflow with love unlike any other. I guess God does know what he is doing and placed me where I need to be doing what I need to do.

My mother once told me that when you get married you are given a necklace of love with a worry stone attached. You never take it off. With each child you add a stone. As your children fall in love you add another stone. Grandchildren bring even more stones. The necklace just keeps getting heavier and heavier and is often very difficult to wear but the necklace also becomes so much more valuable. In the end, it is a priceless treasure of ones life.

And my kids don't know it yet, but I am passing this necklace down to them when I'm gone......after all, they deserve it, right? Yes......I am calling my therapist right now.

Sometimes you have to let people go.

We all need people in our lives for various reasons. We need a great co-worker that you can trust with work issues and that can help us get through those lovely Mondays. We need a casual friend who you are close to and can tell things to but they are not so close to the issue that they can remain objective when they give their advice and forget what you talked about as soon as you walk away. We need someone to love intimately who thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them and would stop at nothing to be with you; your happiness depends on theirs.

And then we have our BFFFLE's. (Best Freaking Friend Forever Life Eternity) The one person who will support you in all you do, stand by and let you make a fool of yourself but be there to defend you for doing so, cry with you, laugh with you, stick up for you even though you are wrong (but later tell  you that you have lost your mind!) and regardless of what life throws your way be there to  live it with you. They are never jealous, petty or demeaning. They are your other half. No one can take their place.

Sometimes those we thought were our BFFFLE's eventually stop being the one person you can trust above all others. The exact moment in time when this happens is unknown. It can be the little things that lead up to the final realization that things have changed.....you are telling them a story that is important to you and they are not paying attention. You are supposed to meet somewhere and they bail at the last minute with no explanation. They make "bonding time" plans with you and you find out they invited others without telling you. You hear things that you told them in private that they shared with others. You find yourself always defending decisions you made about other people in your life. And then the realization that every argument you have had with your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was over something your BFFFLE did to come between the two of you. All these things are not deal breakers with all your other friends because we all know not everyone can be happy for us at all times. But when it is your best friend, it can bring heartache of epic proportions.

After denials, disbelief, sadness and the feeling that the one person who has always been by your side may not be there for you tomorrow, one must realize that it might be time to let them go. Once the circle of trust has been broken it can never be reconnected. Sure, you can still be friends but that one true bond of Best Freaking Friend Forever Life Eternity is gone. What a sad day.