Parenting is a life long commitment!

Being a parent is tough. Anyone who tells you that raising children is a breeze is either lying, taking Prozac or seriously in denial. It is a full time job for a minimum of 50 years with no retirement plan. I would say it is 24/7 x 365 days but for most people there are about 7 hours a day that you can sleep and not actively parent. However, you are on call during those hours so in my case this does not apply.

I once thought what when my children got older and could take care of themselves that I would actually have a life of my own. I could take a nap, go to bed early, sleep late, eat when I want, drink what I want and do whatever my heart desired. After all, they could take care of themselves, right? The goal of being a good parent is to raise loving, kind and intelligent members of society. It is our jobs to nurture, protect and love these little beings with all that we are. Then when the time comes for them to go out on their own we are done, right?

WRONG!

And if being wrong is not disappointing enough, being so wrong you need therapy is a rude awakening.

I don't know the exact moment in time when I realized what was happening but it has been within the last month. Coincidentally my daughter has been dating the "love of her life" during this same time frame. Let me ponder....nope, not a coincidence. Instead of me being able to relax and enjoy more sleep, more free time, more "me" time and the knowledge that I have raised two amazing children, I have now added another child to my family. My worries, concerns and parenting radar has now doubled. This is NOT the way it is supposed to work. I am supposed to have less responsibility not more!

Now I worry about four people instead of two. My son is married and they live in NY and are happy, healthy and whole. They are two of the most amazing young adults I know. They are bright, funny, loving, kind and so very talented. A parent's dream children! Jodi's parents and Louie and I did a great job parenting these two. I should not have any worries. Wrong again. I still worry when I do not talk to Nate every day. I worry about Jodi and her safety when she travels alone in the Big Apple even though she is from New York and is probably safer than Nate. I worry about them as a couple and if they are okay and eating well. I worry if they have had their dental or medical check-ups, I worry about Nate's knee surgery and if proper care is being taken to assure longer results. I worry because he never seems to sleep!! Is he taking care of himself? The list is endless.

Raychel is the youngest so she causes me the most worry. I worry about her school work, her athletics, her music, her back injury, her latest illness and about her hair turning green in the pool! I worry when she does not check in after school or when she is not at home. I worry about her future and where life will take her. And now I worry about her heart........

And if all this was not enough, I now worry about Bobby. Did he make it home okay? Did he eat before he went to work? Do I need to cook when he comes over late? Is everything okay? Will this fall bring him as much joy at UMHB as he is anticipating. Is he getting enough sleep?

Just when I thought I was getting more vacation time from this full time job of parenting, I was given a promotion and more responsibility. Instead of my usual 5 hours of sleep a night I now get 3. I should be very upset, right?

WRONG!

I am tired, worn out and often frustrated but I would not trade any of my babies for  long naps, early bed times, sleeping late, eating when I want, drinking what I want or doing whatever my heart desired. My life would not be complete without them in it. Just the mere thought of them makes my heart overflow with love unlike any other. I guess God does know what he is doing and placed me where I need to be doing what I need to do.

My mother once told me that when you get married you are given a necklace of love with a worry stone attached. You never take it off. With each child you add a stone. As your children fall in love you add another stone. Grandchildren bring even more stones. The necklace just keeps getting heavier and heavier and is often very difficult to wear but the necklace also becomes so much more valuable. In the end, it is a priceless treasure of ones life.

And my kids don't know it yet, but I am passing this necklace down to them when I'm gone......after all, they deserve it, right? Yes......I am calling my therapist right now.

Sometimes you have to let people go.

We all need people in our lives for various reasons. We need a great co-worker that you can trust with work issues and that can help us get through those lovely Mondays. We need a casual friend who you are close to and can tell things to but they are not so close to the issue that they can remain objective when they give their advice and forget what you talked about as soon as you walk away. We need someone to love intimately who thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them and would stop at nothing to be with you; your happiness depends on theirs.

And then we have our BFFFLE's. (Best Freaking Friend Forever Life Eternity) The one person who will support you in all you do, stand by and let you make a fool of yourself but be there to defend you for doing so, cry with you, laugh with you, stick up for you even though you are wrong (but later tell  you that you have lost your mind!) and regardless of what life throws your way be there to  live it with you. They are never jealous, petty or demeaning. They are your other half. No one can take their place.

Sometimes those we thought were our BFFFLE's eventually stop being the one person you can trust above all others. The exact moment in time when this happens is unknown. It can be the little things that lead up to the final realization that things have changed.....you are telling them a story that is important to you and they are not paying attention. You are supposed to meet somewhere and they bail at the last minute with no explanation. They make "bonding time" plans with you and you find out they invited others without telling you. You hear things that you told them in private that they shared with others. You find yourself always defending decisions you made about other people in your life. And then the realization that every argument you have had with your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse was over something your BFFFLE did to come between the two of you. All these things are not deal breakers with all your other friends because we all know not everyone can be happy for us at all times. But when it is your best friend, it can bring heartache of epic proportions.

After denials, disbelief, sadness and the feeling that the one person who has always been by your side may not be there for you tomorrow, one must realize that it might be time to let them go. Once the circle of trust has been broken it can never be reconnected. Sure, you can still be friends but that one true bond of Best Freaking Friend Forever Life Eternity is gone. What a sad day.

When your daughter falls in love.......

Even though we parents know that eventually our children will fall in love with someone special, the moment it happens will most definitely catch you off guard. We sit back and watch the middle school and high school flirtations and try not to get too involved even if you know the object of their affection is not worthy. We watch as they change their mind from day to day on who they "like" and who they want to "get to know better". You need an Excel spreadsheet to keep up!

This will be about my daughter. (Our son has married his soul mate! We are blessed) She will be mortified to know she is the focus of this blog! Shhh- Do not tell her. We call her "Runaway Raych". Everyone who knows her well will grab a pair of sneakers from her closet the minute a boy starts texting and acting interested in starting a relationship with her. History proves no boy has lasted more than a week. At times I would point out the positive attributes of a young boy and my daughter would seriously consider my words but then she would realize she really isn't interested in changing her very busy life to accommodate another person.

One day Raychel was in church, where you will find her every Sunday at band rehearsal and then singing with the band for mass. During mass I saw her look at someone in the congregation and smile. I could not see who it was but I had not seen her smile quite in that way before. I was curious. After mass she informed me that "Bobby" was in church and there was this glow about her! I had never seen her so.....well, giddy! I will  not go into how they met and how they came to be "Raybob" because it is not my story to tell. And honestly, they tell it in a much cuter way than I ever could. However, I will say that at that precise moment in time I felt a pang in my heart. I knew this was going to be unlike anything we have ever gone through with Raychel.

Raychel is a firm believer that God is the only one who can find the one person in this world meant just for her. She prayed about it daily. When she would talk to a boy if she did not get that "approval from above" feeling, there would not be a second conversation. If she got a negative vibe of some sort on a date, then there would never be a second date. Knowing this about her, when Raych and Bobby met for the first time and actually had a conversation, I never thought about what might come of this meeting. Even though I know how I felt in church when she told me about Bobby, past experiences prove that whatever she was feeling would be over when she got home. Imagine my surprise when she came home with a big smile and her heart overflowing.

Raychel is totally and completely in love for the very first time. She is not afraid to tell anyone who wants to know. She is not concerned about what others think. She is not afraid to let her guard down and let herself fall. My daughter has found "the" young man she is willing to risk everything for. Most adults feel that HS relationships are not meant to last or have depth or true concern for one another. I am a witness that this is not the case. Love is Love and there is no barrier of race, religion, politics or age that can stand against "real" love. When it truly happens, nothing can get in its way.

Lou and I had a hard time at first. We were concerned about how we would let this young man into our lives and allow him to share his life with us and our precious Ray of Sunshine. I called my son for advice. He is amazing and helped me see things from another perspective. But Louie was still not happy! "What? He wants to date my only daughter???" Then we met him. Our feelings for him were instantaneous. When I saw the way he looked at my daughter, there was no doubt in my mind that he truly cares for her. He is kind, considerate, funny, bright, charming, compassionate and a Catholic! He makes his parents very proud! They raised him well and I am thankful. He treats Raych with respect and professes to care for her as much as she does him. What I feared the most turned out to be a wonderful addition to our family. In the short time Bobby has been in our lives he has won our hearts and has brought our family so much joy and laughter. He is family. Regardless of where this will all end up, we will always love him.

We moms want everyone to be happy and want to forever protect our children of any age from anything that might harm them. For the first time I am allowing God to put my heart at ease and help me step back and not try and protect either one of them from possible heart ache. Only God knows where this path will lead. I am trusting in Him to guide them as they share this summer together. I am enjoying being a part of it all and praying that all will be ok in the end.....whenever that may be.

One never knows where they will land when they blindly took that leap of faith......but the journey seems to be amazing! We Mynarciks have learned that when you trust in God to guide your heart, He will never let you down!

Test of Faith

There are so many of us who need prayers on a daily basis. It seems that every other entry on Facebook is requesting a prayer. Twitter is now requesting prayers in 140 characters or less. Emails, mass texts, word of mouth from friends and the community, all asking for prayers. If I would say but one prayer a day for all the requests I receive I would be praying every waking moment of every day........perhaps that's the point!

I am always honored when someone asks me to talk to my Buddy in the sky on their behalf. I am more than willing to stop whatever I am doing at the time and fall to my knees. My faith in Him and his mercy is never ending......at least that is what I told myself.

If you have read my past blogs you know that there are two children that I pray for at least once an hour. In my heart I KNOW that God is in control and he is not only walking beside Feryn and Tanner while they are on this difficult journey; he often carries them when they are too tired to walk. I am always positive when others ask about them and reassuring in my emails to both families. "Please do not fear, God is loving and kind and His plan has to be the right plan!"

And then the unthinkable happened......Raychel became ill. Test after test  came back negative. Three emergency doctors on as many visits could not make a diagnosis. On the fifth day we were told to go to the Emergency Room and see if she needs to be admitted for exploratory surgery. Thinking back, I do not think I said one single prayer during those four days. I was numb. In my mind I am thinking that this can not be happening. Not to my child. That is the day I realized that I have so much work to do on my journey with God. I thought I trusted in Him.....my trust is conditional. I thought I had complete faith in his Divine Mercy......my faith wavers when it is one of my own children. Could it be that after all these years of comforting and reassuring others that I do not trust in my own belief? Can I be that much of a hypocrite? And then I did what I should have done from day one......I asked for prayers for Raychel's diagnosis and healing. The prayers were comforting. It was as if huge loving arms were wrapped around us. But I still did not trust that all will be okay and as it should be. How can her being ill be what was in the plan? My Buddy would never let anything bad happen to our Ray of Sunshine! And then I had to ask myself why I thought that I would never be tested. Isn't God's testing of our faith what makes us stronger? It is now my turn. It is pass or fail time at the Mynarciks.

We will be at the hospital this afternoon running another test to determine what course of action is needed to get Raychel well. I will be praying for complete healing. However, I will also be asking God to give me strength and renew my faith when the diagnosis is made. Whatever comes of today I must trust that He will be there holding us in his arms and assuring us that whatever the out come, He is in control.....and I would not want it any other way.

Standing by as a warrior of prayer for Feryn and Tanner!

I have been silent for awhile. Hopefully some of you have missed me. During my absence the only thing that comes to mind is my sorrow for others. The pain I feel for others prevents me from digging deep into my own soul and writing a blog about life adventures with the ability to look at all perspectives and come up with a lesson. When I am so deeply in thought over a specific person or persons, my own thoughts are biased. My own thoughts turn against me in an attempt to make me write about things I do not know, but fear. If I am going to get to the next level and be able to blog again, I have to address the things that have been taking over my soul and thought process these past few weeks.

The first is Feryn. Anyone who has read my blog knows that Feryn is our cousin who is at Cook’s in Dallas fighting for her life against the evil we call Gangiloneuroblastoma Stage 4. Feryn is such a fighter and nothing that they bring to the table to discuss is off limits. She is fighting and welcomes any and all tools that will help her fight. She is now in California with a doctor who has a new plan and she has had Radiation to the levels that she cannot come home for awhile. After the levels return to a safe point, they will take tests to determine if this round has done anything to ward off the cancer that is slowly trying to consume her. She has assured us she will not give up without a fight. She looks so tired and her parents are exhausted from grief and support and prayer. I am humbled by this little 8 year old girl.

I am nothing if I am not honest so writing this next part is difficult but I would not be ME if I did not tell all.

We were on our way to go see Feryn at St. Mary’s Church of the Assumption in West. Raychel was singing in the stations of the cross with the St. Jerome’s youth group. We had to be there by 6pm and were running late due to traffic. When we reached El Chico traffic had stopped and we were at a standstill way behind. We could not see up ahead and then eventually we came across an accident. We were irritated since it was taking so long to clean up and we would miss hearing Raychel sing the song that moves the audience. In my mind I was inconvenienced by this accident. I am ashamed of those thoughts now. At the time I was caught up in the fast paced life we have created for ourselves. It only took a few minutes for reality to hit me smack dab in the heart.  I started humming the song Raych was going to sing and then glanced over to my right and saw a red car being put on a trailer. The entire back end appeared to be missing. I stopped humming. I just stared. I did not even turn to my husband when I said, “Oh Dear God, please be with whomever was in that back seat. I pray that no one was in there and all is good. God please let this turn out okay.” Louie just sat in the silence of deep thought. Then I started humming again.

Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
A Man condemned to die on Calvary

He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
But He chose to walk that road out of
His love for you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of  Jerusalem.

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King
But He chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Such a powerful song. I just felt extreme heart ache after this. No actual reason but my heart felt like it was going to just fall out of my chest. We make it to the church in time and we go through the stations of the cross and Raychel’s singing was even more beautiful than the last time. She sang with so much feeling; almost like it was for someone. Afterwards we hugged Feryn and laughed about her stories from the hospital and heard about all the wonderful people she is meeting there and I just stood there looking at this now fragile being and thinking where does all this strength come from? Then the line “But he chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me” popped into my head. Her faith in His power is the strength behind this little girl.

When we got home someone had either tweeted, face booked, or texted Raychel to tell her that Tanner was in an accident. I stood still waiting to hear if it was the accident we had come across. Then I get a message from others saying they had passed that same accident without knowing it was our child Tanner. Any child in Lorena is my child. I am still a firm believer that it takes a village and if that does not work it takes a few strong Mama’s with a big stick and that always seems to set things straight. I do not want to live in a community where others cannot call on me for help or vice versa. For days I heard nothing. Tanner’s condition was very private. We continued to pray. Then one day I came across the Caring Bridge Website when I was reading the latest entry on Feryn.  From the first few words I was drawn into this family who does not even know me. I feel their pain. I feel their anguish and I am feeling something that I am sure they do too but are too kind to post. Louie asks every day for the updates. Tanner is now part of our family. There is a sadness that hangs around me all day every day. I do not sleep well anyway but now in my waking hours my thoughts are on Tanner and his family. My dedication to his father’s heartwarming blog and to prayer for his recovery has actually prevented me from my own healing by way of writing in my blog. But that is how it works. I get a few steps ahead and then I get a call from UPtown that I am needed to help others, even if it is just by prayer. Maybe sometime soon it will be my turn again.

Between Feryn and Tanner my life has changed. Without going into too much detail I just know that there are things I would fight for that I do not even care about anymore. There are arguments I would not give into that I just say “Psshh, Whatever!” because my strength needs to be saved for prayer and positive vibes for my two babies. I look at Raychel and I am so damn thankful and then I feel guilty that the Schultes and Underwoods are having this battle with the unknown.

I’m trying not to question my Buddy up in Heaven since it usually only gets me a punishment of reading versus in the bible and a lesson on faith and trust. Then I feel even worse for not believing in Him. So in lieu of “What were you thinking God? How can this stuff happen? How can these two babies and their families suffer so much when others do not even realize the good they have? Fairness? Justness?" ... I will instead say “Thank you God my savior for always showing me that with faith and prayer all things are possible. Thank you for being with the Underwoods as they bring back their son. I know it is You who is making all the good things yet to come and will share them when the time is right. I know that You led Feryn to these doctors with this new treatment so they can know that there was not one stone left unturned. Thank You for taking care of me so that I am strong and can pray for others."

In closing, know it is okay to ask “WHY?” Also know that when you ask you may not get the answer you want. But if you have faith in Him and His will to be our savior, you will eventually know the true answer. Patience is NOT a virtue of mine. I have zero. But that is okay, since more was given to the Schultes and the Underwoods and I am gladly allowing them to have my share.

A mother's love for her son.

For the past 40 days we Catholics have been observing Lent. The Lenten Season leads up to Good Friday which is the day that Jesus, our Savior, was brutally murdered by way of being nailed to a cross in mockery of what he was graciously doing for all of us, whether we were grateful or not. Such an unselfish act.

On Good Friday I often try to put myself in the sandals of the Virgin Mary. Although she was many things to many people, on this day she was a mother. “THE” mother of all time.  I sit in church and wonder what she must have gone through as she watched on in horror. What could she have done? How could she allow this to happen without trying to “save” her son? How can she just let things be as they were intended? God chose the right woman. I truly believe there was never before and never will be again, a mother such as Mary. Her courage and ability to not let her pain interfere with God’s plan makes her the most unselfish person of all time. Jesus gave his life….but Mary gave her son’s life when she would have gladly traded places with him if it would have been allowed. My heart aches every time I think of it. The pain must have been unbearable to the point of wanting to die right alongside her precious son but was cruelly forced to live her life without him. I am sure she would have welcomed death. The love of a mother for her son is one of the most powerful feelings in the world. This is a fact I know all too well.

Our son came home for Easter like he has every single year since he left for college. This is not “my”  holiday  but his father’s. (My “must have” is Christmas Eve!) It is a family tradition for the men and boys in the Mynarcik family to celebrate Good Friday by going to a fishing spot and  hanging out together, drinking, eating and telling crazy stories of the years past. The once small circle of men has grown in size to allow room for treasured friends and extended family.  The next two days we just relax and enjoy each other’s company.  Then in a blink of an eye we have to say good-bye again.

As we are standing at the glass partition in the airport that separates us from our son, we cannot speak. My husband moves closer to the glass as if this will somehow relieve the pain of seeing him go. My daughter, who is heartbroken and sobbing because her only brother is leaving again, is standing halfway between me, who is standing all the way in the back so my son cannot see my tears, and her father who is still watching his only son go through the customs line.  And then our son turns one last time and waves goodbye...then he is gone.

As we all turn away to silently walk to the car, I glance at my husband who is now so heartbroken he cannot stop the tears. I see his shoulders shake with silent sobs. I have stood by and watched the scene unfold. Even though I am aching with sadness and would give almost anything to have him stay, I know that is not as it was intended. Like Mary, no matter how much it hurts to watch him get on that plane, I cannot interfere with what was meant to be. Our son is living his own life and that life has taken him far away from “home”.  Hopefully one day he will choose to move back to Texas but until then we must do the hardest thing any parents can do and unselfishly stand by and let him go.

Our son texted the second he got on the plane and said he will miss us and loves us. Through my tears I texted back and told him that his leaving gets harder and harder on his father as the years pass. To make light of the situation I told him I did not know if this was due to his age or having to be stuck alone with Raychel and me.  My son’s reply: “I do believe it is a little of both!”  What a smart aleck….God, I miss him!

The scent of years past.

Have you ever walked into a store and for a split second your mind drifts back to another time but you just can't place it? Or perhaps a bakery where the smells transcend you to your childhood and grandmother's pie or in my case, my Tante Rosi's cheesecake? Does a certain perfume remind you of someone special?

I call these occurrences "Memory Scents".

I remember the first time I went back to Germany for a visit. I was already overwhelmed with emotion when the plane was descending and I saw the city of Frankfurt below. All these thoughts were running together in my head. I was with my Mutti and I asked her if she felt the same way. She said (In her Hessen dialect), "Pass mal auf wenn du im Flughaven bist!" She was right! The moment I stepped into the airport I could smell my memories. I cried.

This morning my Avon lady (yes they still have those) delivered my goodies. I always forget what I ordered so it is a fun surprise. Mascara, blue eyeliner, purple eyeliner, the new eyeshadow Quad in Smoke & Mirrors and .......another lip gloss. If you have read my blog then you know of my addiction to lipsticks. My embarrassment of ordering yet another lip product was short lived as I opened the black box and took out the treasure inside. For some reason, totally foreign to me at the moment, I ordered a Fruity Lip Juice in Tangerine. Why? Raychel wears clear gloss. I am an old woman. Tangerine Fruity Lip Juice? Seriously?

I took the cap off, slowly squeezed the tube and watched a tiny bead of tangerine colored sparkles rise to the surface of the rounded tip. I carefully ran the tube back and forth over my lips and then I smelled the memory! It took me a second to place the exact moment in time and then it was as if it was yesterday! I wore tangerine lip smackers as a teenager! My first kiss was engulfed in the scent and taste of tangerine! I am now sitting here with my shiny lips and all these wonderful memories of my years in Germany and my first "love" are going through my head.

Perhaps it was by accident. Perhaps it was my subconscious trying to get me to feel young again. I truly have no idea what made me order this particular gloss but I am most thankful. As I daydream about all the things I would have done differently and all the things that I would never change during those teenage years, I think I will take the Electric Blue Eyeliner that I ordered for Raychel out of the box and give it a whirl. I am sure this will transcend me to the 80's and if I remember correctly I was smokin' back then! (sigh) Where have the years gone?