Father's Day is Bittersweet

I have been holding back on writing a Father's Day blog since the only way I have been able to get through this day for the past 14 years was to not think about what this day really means to me.

My father had a painful childhood that led him to be a tough and guarded military man. Showing no emotion meant you were in total control. And as all you Army brats out there know, the higher the rank of your Father, the less time he had to be a "dad". He was a leader, an organizer, a protector, a warrior and a family man. His "family" was the troops he was in charge of and his wife and children. He ran his home like he ran his units. Without intending to, he taught me that the more you rule your life with your knowledge and skill the further you will go. If you let emotion guide your decisions then that one second of hesitation would prove costly to those that you are in charge of, including yourself.  However his message was clear;  He will always protect me from harm and there is nothing in life that is out of my reach with hard work and dedication.

After his retirement my father went on to retire from Wilsonart. His job was safety and maintenance. He was in control. He was a certified police officer and worked for Harker Heights when he was not working at Wilsonart. When they moved to Lorena he became a Lorena police officer and then went on to work for AAFES as a police officer. You can tell from the job choices that he was dedicated, hard working and still in control. Always in control.

Then the control was taken away.....Daddy had a stroke in 1994. All his hard work had taken its toll on his body. It was hard to watch. The most intelligent man I knew had to struggle for simple words. The man that worked from dawn to 10 pm every day was unable to stand for long lengths of time. I was unsure if he understood me or even knew what was going on around him. He fought hard and was able to eventually communicate and walk again. He was not the man he used to be but he was the man who showed us all how much we were loved. He was no longer in control and this allowed him to show emotion and with that emotion came the deepest friendship and love from the man who had been so guarded all of my life.

Raychel was born two years later and that is when I was able to truly get to know the man behind the wall. Raychel was a total surprise from God. God knew that daddy needed her and I needed daddy. I finally got to spend time with my rock. We talked about so many topics that were forbidden before; Vietnam, his family, his hopes and his dreams.  For two and a half years daddy saw Raych every single day possible and this meant I got to share that time with him as well. The love he had for her was unlike any I had ever seen. When you stood by and watched them you could feel this deep, deep emotion that brought tears to your eyes. I was thrilled daddy had something to look forward to every day and I was happy for Raych who came to know a love so complete that it would stay with her forever.

Then at the very young age of 58, he was gone. I replay the day he passed over and over in my head. Even after all these years my heart aches so badly I feel I can't breath. It's not fair! Even though he lived a life of 5 men, he was too young to leave me and his family. As I type this I have a feeling of such loss that nothing else seems to matter but being able to see him again and feel those mighty hands upon my shoulder. I want that hug that went completely around my body and made me feel like no one can ever hurt me. I want to be able to buy a Father's day gift that he will pretend to like. I want to touch that face of his and look into those eyes of such great knowledge and intense pain. It is at times like this that I question God's plan.

Many of you who read this will say that I am just like my dad. I can seem unemotional, focused, intense and always in control. On the flip side, I love my children more than life itself. There is nothing I won't do for them. I will not apologize....I am proud to be called my father's daughter.

Happy Father's day Master Sargent Kenneth Milton Shelton. Thank you for being my dad.

Kale chips? No way!

My goal for better health in 2013 is to exercise, lose weight and eat lots of fruits and vegetables.  It is a constant struggle….I love salty, greasy, crunchy chips! All kinds of chips; Lays orginal, Cheetos, Kettle chips, corn chips…you get the idea.

I have heard that kale is a medical marvel. Lots of vitamins, lots of flavor and you can make them into chips!! OMG! I can have all the chips I want with no guilt and no added inches to my already obese frame. I searched all the recipes online and even though I was a bit leery, it seemed simple enough…..olive oil, lots of sea salt and a huge mound of delicious green kale leaves.

First stop Wal-Mart. No kale. “Sir, can you tell me if you have any kale in the back? The bin is empty.” “No ma’am, we sell what we get in.” Now I am thinking to myself how amazing these chips are going to be since they cannot even keep kale in stock!

HEB-No kale.

Brookshire’s-No kale.

Now I am like a drug addict in search of a bag of green stuff. I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!

Last night my husband surprised me with an Easter gift. It was a huge bag of luscious green crinkled kale. I was so excited I could not wait to get the leaves washed, dried and into the olive oil and salt mixture. I gently put the parchment paper on a cookie sheet, turned on the oven, set the timer and gently placed these babies into the device that was going to turn these green healthy weeds, I mean leaves, into chips!!

The smell was a bit odd. A cross between salty oil and old spinach. I assumed this was the way they would become delicious niblets of salty goodness. The oven would cook the vegetable taste out of them. The buzzer went off and I grabbed my oven mitt and took the now green and goldish colored crispy things out of the oven and placed them on a rack to cool. I was so excited. My son and DIL were on their way home for the weekend and I could not wait to share this experience with them. My daughter was waiting with me. I kept checking back to see if they were cool. FINALLY!!! I pick up one  of the leaves and turn it over examining it like a rare jewel. I closed my eyes and placed it in my mouth and it just fell apart….mmmm….salt…olive oil….dirty socks and grass….wait! What??? This is a sick joke. These are nothing like potato chips. How can all those people be so wrong? All those articles on the internet about how amazing they are can’t be made up. “Raychel come try these!” Her face was priceless. At least this is a way to get her to drink more water! After that no one would even come into the kitchen, let alone try the kale.

After all this work I kinda wish I was a druggie. At least I could smoke the stuff. Where are my kettle chips?

50 and Fabulous!

The threat of today has been long in coming. As soon as Christmas was over the next milestone in my life was in the forefront of my mind. I will be turning 50. Just seeing the numbers in print makes my heart skip a beat. I do not know why I have this reaction because I am not vain or insecure nor have I ever been one to keep up with all the trends and fads to stay young. Basically what you see is what you get. My hair is more often than not in a pony tail, my make up is minimal and even though I am a lipstick addict, I rarely find time to put it on. I am a "get up at 7:30am and out the door by 7:45" kind of woman.

I looked in the mirror as I was getting ready (Yes, I had to flip it to the magnified side. Hush!) and saw a few more wrinkles that I had not noticed before. My lips are a bit thinner. My once big brown eyes are squinting to see, my beautiful black thick hair is now half gray that is kept under wraps by my beautiful cousin Donna, and my hands have these nice latte colored spots that are called ...egads!....age spots. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?! Sigh...that is me.....at 50.

The celebrating started this weekend with a night out with my best friend and her husband, a movie at the house with the addition of the kids who had just come in from the dance and Raychel and her cousin Ashlee baking cupcakes, a birthday cake and pudding parfaits. All of which I should not eat due to my diet. Their hearts were in the right place so I did not mind. Today I arrived at work and my coworkers made two different low calorie desserts, a vegetable tray and I see a huge Over the Hill sign plastered to my door. There are too many messages on my cell phone and the house phone rang off the wall this morning. So many people wanted to wish me a good day and take the time to gloat about either being younger or the fact that I am now "one of them".

My Facebook page is full of well wishes. My in box is being filled with virtual cards. My coworkers  keep popping in and smiling. I sit here trying to take stock of the past 50 years.

I AM 50! Okay, it's out there. I think I have been going about this all wrong. I have been trying desperately to review the path that brought me here to this place in time. Instead I need to just look at where I am at this precise moment and where I intended to go from here.

I surround myself with loving, caring and fun people. I have God as my daily guide and I have my family who can bring you down to the earth as quickly as the can raise you up. I have great friends who truly care about me and I about them. I have children who are strong and bold and gutsy.I have a husband who has watched this face and body change from a beautiful tall, thin 17 year old to the gorgeous, fat and fabulous 50 year old I am today and he still loves me. (I had to throw gorgeous in there or else I would cry!)

I am putting everyone on notice. The first half of my life I have spent building a foundation for my family. The second half will be spent loving life and enjoying what God has blessed me with. There will be changes ahead. I started with my hair by cutting off four inches and adding the big red bold chunks in the front. Who knows what will come next? One thing I know for sure 50 will be like no other year I ever celebrated before. As you see me change this year, I only ask one thing...unless you are over 50 do not judge me. Your turn will come sooner than you think.

Next weekend I will celebrate with my handsome son and my beautiful daughter in law. They will make it fun and young and hip. I will try to keep up!

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you mom and dad for bringing me into this world. Now it's time for me to enjoy every bit of it!

Happy 16th Birthday Sunshine!

16 years ago at this exact moment I was sitting in a hospital room getting my very first epidural. My mother and father were there along with Nathan and Louie. It was indeed a family event. We were waiting on our sweet Raychel to join our family. At 2:25 pm our “Ray” of sunshine was born. She was 10 lbs. and 21 inches long with the most vivid birthmark on her forehead where the angels gave her one last kiss before sending her down.  

 

We knew Raychel was not the average baby from the moment she cried her first cry. She was louder, bigger, more alert and more demanding than the other babies in the nursery. Raychel was being passed around in the stands at her 14 year old brother's basketball game the week she was born. At three weeks my dear friend Janet Niemeyer was feeding her honey and sopapillas  when we had a Lorena High School Boys basketball dinner at El Chico. She also introduced Raychel to iced tea that she gave her drops of from her straw. From that day on Raychel was not satisfied with milk and we had to put her on cereal and fruit. Raychel sat up, crawled and started babbling well before she was six months old. At 9 months she was walking all over the house and getting into everything. I was not used to this since Nathan was the “perfect” child. He never got into trouble and always minded. However, our Raychel broke every rule we gave her and without even realizing it, everyone around her would end up following HER rules.  Raychel had so many wonderful “moms” and since most were teachers she learned to talk in full sentences before the age of two. This led to some very interesting conversations about heaven, God and where she came from before she came to earth.  Raychel would talk to spirits, visited random graves and would tell me all about the person buried there. I had to warn everyone who came in contact with her that she might talk about things that were not “normal” and had to assure them that Raychel was not in need of therapy.  Shopping was always a bit awkward since we had to make room in the cart for all her "friends" and had to wait on all of them to get in the van before I could close the door. Yes, anyone who witnessed this thought I was crazy. I would smile and whisper for everyone to hurry and get in! (sigh)

Raychel had the pleasure of being raised with her amazing brother and a wonderful group of teenage boys who were all 14 years older than she was. They played with her, let her fix their hair, performed concerts at Christmas for her, threw her in the swimming pool and now protect her like one of their own family. Before she would date a boy, he had to meet and be approved of by her brother and two of his closest friends.  

Through the years we realized that God had truly blessed Raychel with so much talent and a soul that is wise beyond it’s years. In spite of being stubborn, mouthy, demanding and messy; she is smart, funny, loyal and forgiving. Raychel will stand in front of anyone who needs protecting, get involved in causes that make the world a better place and stand firm in her beliefs and morals. When she is the topic of rumors and High School drama she tries to set the record straight but then ignores it since her priority is what God knows to be true. During the week you will find Raychel in a gym playing Basketball or Volleyball or at home doing her homework. On Sunday you will find Raychel at church from 3-6:30pm singing with the church band. If you ask her why she devotes most of her Sunday to singing in church she will gladly tell you what she told me, “When I sing for God, I feel whole.”

There is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God and the Angels who brought her to us.  Even though she has made Louie and I age faster than we should have, makes me drink that second glass of wine and causes us to both lay awake many nights wondering what on earth we are going to do with her, we are truly blessed to have her in our lives. She will always be our baby girl.

Most of you already know she was named “Ray”chel because her Opa said that the day she was born was the day the sun shined the brightest. I believe he was right.

 

Happy 16^th Birthday Sunshine! You are amazing! Your father and I cannot wait to see you take on the world!

It's time to be selfish!

During my absence of blogging I have been trying to get my health under control. I admit that most of my problems stem from my being overweight. Weight Watchers was a fantastic way to start this new life and I followed the plan exactly. I lost 29.9 pounds and felt fantastic. It was all about "ME" and I was taking care of myself and "selfishly" cooking how I needed to eat. I felt successful, happy, healthy and was actually enjoying life more than I had in a long time.

Then my daughter became ill. I could think of nothing else but getting her well. It was a hard time for us since we did not know what was making her so sick. Doctors, emergency rooms and tests took the place of my exercising, eating right and WW meetings. After that I never could get back on track since other responsibilities got in the way. Being selfish is the hardest thing a mom can do. Our love for our children has trained us to be there for their every want and need. How dare we take time for ourselves when there is a ball game to sit and watch for four hours? What in the world are you thinking by saying you need to work out instead of taking your teenager to see a friend? Amidst "Did you order my contacts? Did you get the stuff I needed for school? Can you bring my uniform that I forgot? Can you find my shoes I left in the middle of the kitchen floor? Can you see if I have all my stuff for the game? You didn't get ice cream?" you lose your sense of urgency in taking care of yourself. Even as I write these words I am being texted (summoned) to fulfill yet another desire! If I were to say "NO!!" the guilt would be unbearable and I still would not be taking care of "me".

As I look in the mirror I once again see the person I have become and not the one God intended me to be. The longer I look at the face I do not recognize I gain strength and determination. I DESERVE to live the rest of my life as my best. I DESERVE to take time for me and only me. Hold that thought.....I need to reply to a text........wait! Maybe I won't! Maybe I will just ignore it! As my heart pounds and I start to feel guilty, please pray for me! I need all the help I can get to break this cycle of sabotaging myself to make sure those I love have everything they could ever wish for.

No one said I had to "like" you.

 I promised God to love my children with all that I am and I truly do. I would give up my own life for them. But sometimes it is truly hard to like them. I used to be embarrassed to admit this. The older I get the easier the words "I really don't like you right now!" flow from my mouth. The first time I said it out loud I believe my daughter stopped in her tracks and stared at me. I could see those little wheels working in her head. "Did my mother just say she did not like me???!!" I saw the puzzled look on her face so I repeated it.....twice!(Evil grin)

Thankfully my feelings come in stages. The first year is when they are about 10. Seriously, it is hard to like a ten year old. They are inquisitive know it alls. They are trying to find a niche for themselves before Junior High which makes them bossy and mouthy and they are so very messy! While my heart is overflowing with love, the rest of me wants to kick them out of my "inner circle". Then God finds it in his heart to allow them to become more pleasant for a couple of years and then they hit 13. Anyone with a 13 year old knows what I am talking about. One moment they are so grown up and fun to socialize with and you even find yourself wanting to "hang out" with them. Then while you are mid sentence, a light switches off in the brain and you find yourself talking to a moody teenager who can not remember what you told them three seconds ago let alone follow instructions for the day. When you question them about anything their voice goes up five octaves and they are truly offended that you would dare speak to them. This is when loving them is hard, let alone liking the little monsters. This stage lasts pretty much until they graduate High School. I do believe it is God's plan to make them so unlikeable it is easier to say goodbye when they head off to college and a life of thier own.

When they are grown and have become the adults you intended them to be you are truly in awe of how charming and funny and likable they are. You want to spend time with them. You even beg them to come see you so you can be with them. You like them so much, you would do anything to welcome them back into that precious inner circle.........then one day you hear "Mom I truly love you, but I really don't like you right now!".

God has a quirky sense of humor.

Parenting is a life long commitment!

Being a parent is tough. Anyone who tells you that raising children is a breeze is either lying, taking Prozac or seriously in denial. It is a full time job for a minimum of 50 years with no retirement plan. I would say it is 24/7 x 365 days but for most people there are about 7 hours a day that you can sleep and not actively parent. However, you are on call during those hours so in my case this does not apply.

I once thought what when my children got older and could take care of themselves that I would actually have a life of my own. I could take a nap, go to bed early, sleep late, eat when I want, drink what I want and do whatever my heart desired. After all, they could take care of themselves, right? The goal of being a good parent is to raise loving, kind and intelligent members of society. It is our jobs to nurture, protect and love these little beings with all that we are. Then when the time comes for them to go out on their own we are done, right?

WRONG!

And if being wrong is not disappointing enough, being so wrong you need therapy is a rude awakening.

I don't know the exact moment in time when I realized what was happening but it has been within the last month. Coincidentally my daughter has been dating the "love of her life" during this same time frame. Let me ponder....nope, not a coincidence. Instead of me being able to relax and enjoy more sleep, more free time, more "me" time and the knowledge that I have raised two amazing children, I have now added another child to my family. My worries, concerns and parenting radar has now doubled. This is NOT the way it is supposed to work. I am supposed to have less responsibility not more!

Now I worry about four people instead of two. My son is married and they live in NY and are happy, healthy and whole. They are two of the most amazing young adults I know. They are bright, funny, loving, kind and so very talented. A parent's dream children! Jodi's parents and Louie and I did a great job parenting these two. I should not have any worries. Wrong again. I still worry when I do not talk to Nate every day. I worry about Jodi and her safety when she travels alone in the Big Apple even though she is from New York and is probably safer than Nate. I worry about them as a couple and if they are okay and eating well. I worry if they have had their dental or medical check-ups, I worry about Nate's knee surgery and if proper care is being taken to assure longer results. I worry because he never seems to sleep!! Is he taking care of himself? The list is endless.

Raychel is the youngest so she causes me the most worry. I worry about her school work, her athletics, her music, her back injury, her latest illness and about her hair turning green in the pool! I worry when she does not check in after school or when she is not at home. I worry about her future and where life will take her. And now I worry about her heart........

And if all this was not enough, I now worry about Bobby. Did he make it home okay? Did he eat before he went to work? Do I need to cook when he comes over late? Is everything okay? Will this fall bring him as much joy at UMHB as he is anticipating. Is he getting enough sleep?

Just when I thought I was getting more vacation time from this full time job of parenting, I was given a promotion and more responsibility. Instead of my usual 5 hours of sleep a night I now get 3. I should be very upset, right?

WRONG!

I am tired, worn out and often frustrated but I would not trade any of my babies for  long naps, early bed times, sleeping late, eating when I want, drinking what I want or doing whatever my heart desired. My life would not be complete without them in it. Just the mere thought of them makes my heart overflow with love unlike any other. I guess God does know what he is doing and placed me where I need to be doing what I need to do.

My mother once told me that when you get married you are given a necklace of love with a worry stone attached. You never take it off. With each child you add a stone. As your children fall in love you add another stone. Grandchildren bring even more stones. The necklace just keeps getting heavier and heavier and is often very difficult to wear but the necklace also becomes so much more valuable. In the end, it is a priceless treasure of ones life.

And my kids don't know it yet, but I am passing this necklace down to them when I'm gone......after all, they deserve it, right? Yes......I am calling my therapist right now.