Standing by as a warrior of prayer for Feryn and Tanner!

I have been silent for awhile. Hopefully some of you have missed me. During my absence the only thing that comes to mind is my sorrow for others. The pain I feel for others prevents me from digging deep into my own soul and writing a blog about life adventures with the ability to look at all perspectives and come up with a lesson. When I am so deeply in thought over a specific person or persons, my own thoughts are biased. My own thoughts turn against me in an attempt to make me write about things I do not know, but fear. If I am going to get to the next level and be able to blog again, I have to address the things that have been taking over my soul and thought process these past few weeks.

The first is Feryn. Anyone who has read my blog knows that Feryn is our cousin who is at Cook’s in Dallas fighting for her life against the evil we call Gangiloneuroblastoma Stage 4. Feryn is such a fighter and nothing that they bring to the table to discuss is off limits. She is fighting and welcomes any and all tools that will help her fight. She is now in California with a doctor who has a new plan and she has had Radiation to the levels that she cannot come home for awhile. After the levels return to a safe point, they will take tests to determine if this round has done anything to ward off the cancer that is slowly trying to consume her. She has assured us she will not give up without a fight. She looks so tired and her parents are exhausted from grief and support and prayer. I am humbled by this little 8 year old girl.

I am nothing if I am not honest so writing this next part is difficult but I would not be ME if I did not tell all.

We were on our way to go see Feryn at St. Mary’s Church of the Assumption in West. Raychel was singing in the stations of the cross with the St. Jerome’s youth group. We had to be there by 6pm and were running late due to traffic. When we reached El Chico traffic had stopped and we were at a standstill way behind. We could not see up ahead and then eventually we came across an accident. We were irritated since it was taking so long to clean up and we would miss hearing Raychel sing the song that moves the audience. In my mind I was inconvenienced by this accident. I am ashamed of those thoughts now. At the time I was caught up in the fast paced life we have created for ourselves. It only took a few minutes for reality to hit me smack dab in the heart.  I started humming the song Raych was going to sing and then glanced over to my right and saw a red car being put on a trailer. The entire back end appeared to be missing. I stopped humming. I just stared. I did not even turn to my husband when I said, “Oh Dear God, please be with whomever was in that back seat. I pray that no one was in there and all is good. God please let this turn out okay.” Louie just sat in the silence of deep thought. Then I started humming again.

Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
A Man condemned to die on Calvary

He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
But He chose to walk that road out of
His love for you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of  Jerusalem.

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King
But He chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Such a powerful song. I just felt extreme heart ache after this. No actual reason but my heart felt like it was going to just fall out of my chest. We make it to the church in time and we go through the stations of the cross and Raychel’s singing was even more beautiful than the last time. She sang with so much feeling; almost like it was for someone. Afterwards we hugged Feryn and laughed about her stories from the hospital and heard about all the wonderful people she is meeting there and I just stood there looking at this now fragile being and thinking where does all this strength come from? Then the line “But he chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me” popped into my head. Her faith in His power is the strength behind this little girl.

When we got home someone had either tweeted, face booked, or texted Raychel to tell her that Tanner was in an accident. I stood still waiting to hear if it was the accident we had come across. Then I get a message from others saying they had passed that same accident without knowing it was our child Tanner. Any child in Lorena is my child. I am still a firm believer that it takes a village and if that does not work it takes a few strong Mama’s with a big stick and that always seems to set things straight. I do not want to live in a community where others cannot call on me for help or vice versa. For days I heard nothing. Tanner’s condition was very private. We continued to pray. Then one day I came across the Caring Bridge Website when I was reading the latest entry on Feryn.  From the first few words I was drawn into this family who does not even know me. I feel their pain. I feel their anguish and I am feeling something that I am sure they do too but are too kind to post. Louie asks every day for the updates. Tanner is now part of our family. There is a sadness that hangs around me all day every day. I do not sleep well anyway but now in my waking hours my thoughts are on Tanner and his family. My dedication to his father’s heartwarming blog and to prayer for his recovery has actually prevented me from my own healing by way of writing in my blog. But that is how it works. I get a few steps ahead and then I get a call from UPtown that I am needed to help others, even if it is just by prayer. Maybe sometime soon it will be my turn again.

Between Feryn and Tanner my life has changed. Without going into too much detail I just know that there are things I would fight for that I do not even care about anymore. There are arguments I would not give into that I just say “Psshh, Whatever!” because my strength needs to be saved for prayer and positive vibes for my two babies. I look at Raychel and I am so damn thankful and then I feel guilty that the Schultes and Underwoods are having this battle with the unknown.

I’m trying not to question my Buddy up in Heaven since it usually only gets me a punishment of reading versus in the bible and a lesson on faith and trust. Then I feel even worse for not believing in Him. So in lieu of “What were you thinking God? How can this stuff happen? How can these two babies and their families suffer so much when others do not even realize the good they have? Fairness? Justness?" ... I will instead say “Thank you God my savior for always showing me that with faith and prayer all things are possible. Thank you for being with the Underwoods as they bring back their son. I know it is You who is making all the good things yet to come and will share them when the time is right. I know that You led Feryn to these doctors with this new treatment so they can know that there was not one stone left unturned. Thank You for taking care of me so that I am strong and can pray for others."

In closing, know it is okay to ask “WHY?” Also know that when you ask you may not get the answer you want. But if you have faith in Him and His will to be our savior, you will eventually know the true answer. Patience is NOT a virtue of mine. I have zero. But that is okay, since more was given to the Schultes and the Underwoods and I am gladly allowing them to have my share.

A mother's love for her son.

For the past 40 days we Catholics have been observing Lent. The Lenten Season leads up to Good Friday which is the day that Jesus, our Savior, was brutally murdered by way of being nailed to a cross in mockery of what he was graciously doing for all of us, whether we were grateful or not. Such an unselfish act.

On Good Friday I often try to put myself in the sandals of the Virgin Mary. Although she was many things to many people, on this day she was a mother. “THE” mother of all time.  I sit in church and wonder what she must have gone through as she watched on in horror. What could she have done? How could she allow this to happen without trying to “save” her son? How can she just let things be as they were intended? God chose the right woman. I truly believe there was never before and never will be again, a mother such as Mary. Her courage and ability to not let her pain interfere with God’s plan makes her the most unselfish person of all time. Jesus gave his life….but Mary gave her son’s life when she would have gladly traded places with him if it would have been allowed. My heart aches every time I think of it. The pain must have been unbearable to the point of wanting to die right alongside her precious son but was cruelly forced to live her life without him. I am sure she would have welcomed death. The love of a mother for her son is one of the most powerful feelings in the world. This is a fact I know all too well.

Our son came home for Easter like he has every single year since he left for college. This is not “my”  holiday  but his father’s. (My “must have” is Christmas Eve!) It is a family tradition for the men and boys in the Mynarcik family to celebrate Good Friday by going to a fishing spot and  hanging out together, drinking, eating and telling crazy stories of the years past. The once small circle of men has grown in size to allow room for treasured friends and extended family.  The next two days we just relax and enjoy each other’s company.  Then in a blink of an eye we have to say good-bye again.

As we are standing at the glass partition in the airport that separates us from our son, we cannot speak. My husband moves closer to the glass as if this will somehow relieve the pain of seeing him go. My daughter, who is heartbroken and sobbing because her only brother is leaving again, is standing halfway between me, who is standing all the way in the back so my son cannot see my tears, and her father who is still watching his only son go through the customs line.  And then our son turns one last time and waves goodbye...then he is gone.

As we all turn away to silently walk to the car, I glance at my husband who is now so heartbroken he cannot stop the tears. I see his shoulders shake with silent sobs. I have stood by and watched the scene unfold. Even though I am aching with sadness and would give almost anything to have him stay, I know that is not as it was intended. Like Mary, no matter how much it hurts to watch him get on that plane, I cannot interfere with what was meant to be. Our son is living his own life and that life has taken him far away from “home”.  Hopefully one day he will choose to move back to Texas but until then we must do the hardest thing any parents can do and unselfishly stand by and let him go.

Our son texted the second he got on the plane and said he will miss us and loves us. Through my tears I texted back and told him that his leaving gets harder and harder on his father as the years pass. To make light of the situation I told him I did not know if this was due to his age or having to be stuck alone with Raychel and me.  My son’s reply: “I do believe it is a little of both!”  What a smart aleck….God, I miss him!

The scent of years past.

Have you ever walked into a store and for a split second your mind drifts back to another time but you just can't place it? Or perhaps a bakery where the smells transcend you to your childhood and grandmother's pie or in my case, my Tante Rosi's cheesecake? Does a certain perfume remind you of someone special?

I call these occurrences "Memory Scents".

I remember the first time I went back to Germany for a visit. I was already overwhelmed with emotion when the plane was descending and I saw the city of Frankfurt below. All these thoughts were running together in my head. I was with my Mutti and I asked her if she felt the same way. She said (In her Hessen dialect), "Pass mal auf wenn du im Flughaven bist!" She was right! The moment I stepped into the airport I could smell my memories. I cried.

This morning my Avon lady (yes they still have those) delivered my goodies. I always forget what I ordered so it is a fun surprise. Mascara, blue eyeliner, purple eyeliner, the new eyeshadow Quad in Smoke & Mirrors and .......another lip gloss. If you have read my blog then you know of my addiction to lipsticks. My embarrassment of ordering yet another lip product was short lived as I opened the black box and took out the treasure inside. For some reason, totally foreign to me at the moment, I ordered a Fruity Lip Juice in Tangerine. Why? Raychel wears clear gloss. I am an old woman. Tangerine Fruity Lip Juice? Seriously?

I took the cap off, slowly squeezed the tube and watched a tiny bead of tangerine colored sparkles rise to the surface of the rounded tip. I carefully ran the tube back and forth over my lips and then I smelled the memory! It took me a second to place the exact moment in time and then it was as if it was yesterday! I wore tangerine lip smackers as a teenager! My first kiss was engulfed in the scent and taste of tangerine! I am now sitting here with my shiny lips and all these wonderful memories of my years in Germany and my first "love" are going through my head.

Perhaps it was by accident. Perhaps it was my subconscious trying to get me to feel young again. I truly have no idea what made me order this particular gloss but I am most thankful. As I daydream about all the things I would have done differently and all the things that I would never change during those teenage years, I think I will take the Electric Blue Eyeliner that I ordered for Raychel out of the box and give it a whirl. I am sure this will transcend me to the 80's and if I remember correctly I was smokin' back then! (sigh) Where have the years gone?