Just Hold Out Your Hand...

It feels like forever since I last posted a blog. So much has happened; both good and bad. I will make an attempt to write more to catch everyone up. However, today I was looking at my Facebook timeline and saw all these posts about how people feel they are alone and how they wish they knew God was there or had some way of knowing they are on the right track and I was overwhelmed with the urge to share this with all of you. I have been having some health issues. As those of you with chronic pain know, after awhile it starts to take the spunk out of your personality. You just try to make it through the day without lashing out at everyone you come in contact with. Along with the pain, my daughter has Senioritis, my mother has oldgrumpyladyitis, my husband has imtoooldforthiscrapitis and my son is politely keeping his distance from us all. Last week I had hit rock bottom.....the pain in my knee brought tears to my eyes, my father in law was in the hospital again, I had another argument with the alien that used to be my beautiful little girl, my mother was feeling neglected and my husband was totally exhausted from doing everyone's errands and still trying to work. I finally laid my head on my pillow at 2:10am. I looked at the clock and just laid there with tears in my eyes. For the first time in my life...and I have been through some rough times....I felt like there was no hope. And then it happened......I reached out my hand and with all that I am I asked God to hold it. "Dear God, please come hold my hand. I can't do this anymore"....and He did. I felt a hand grasp mine with such strength and assurance that I wept. God waited until I called for him. He waited until "I" knew I needed Him and only Him to help me. And He came. I finally slept. The next night I asked Him to hold my daughter Raychel while she was sleeping. The next day she seemed in a better mood. I wonder if she knows He held her in his loving arms all night? Some of you will not believe this and that's okay. It lets me know that you have never truly reached rock bottom and with all your soul called out His name. Please take comfort in knowing that if you ever do, He will be there.

Father's Day is Bittersweet

I have been holding back on writing a Father's Day blog since the only way I have been able to get through this day for the past 14 years was to not think about what this day really means to me.

My father had a painful childhood that led him to be a tough and guarded military man. Showing no emotion meant you were in total control. And as all you Army brats out there know, the higher the rank of your Father, the less time he had to be a "dad". He was a leader, an organizer, a protector, a warrior and a family man. His "family" was the troops he was in charge of and his wife and children. He ran his home like he ran his units. Without intending to, he taught me that the more you rule your life with your knowledge and skill the further you will go. If you let emotion guide your decisions then that one second of hesitation would prove costly to those that you are in charge of, including yourself.  However his message was clear;  He will always protect me from harm and there is nothing in life that is out of my reach with hard work and dedication.

After his retirement my father went on to retire from Wilsonart. His job was safety and maintenance. He was in control. He was a certified police officer and worked for Harker Heights when he was not working at Wilsonart. When they moved to Lorena he became a Lorena police officer and then went on to work for AAFES as a police officer. You can tell from the job choices that he was dedicated, hard working and still in control. Always in control.

Then the control was taken away.....Daddy had a stroke in 1994. All his hard work had taken its toll on his body. It was hard to watch. The most intelligent man I knew had to struggle for simple words. The man that worked from dawn to 10 pm every day was unable to stand for long lengths of time. I was unsure if he understood me or even knew what was going on around him. He fought hard and was able to eventually communicate and walk again. He was not the man he used to be but he was the man who showed us all how much we were loved. He was no longer in control and this allowed him to show emotion and with that emotion came the deepest friendship and love from the man who had been so guarded all of my life.

Raychel was born two years later and that is when I was able to truly get to know the man behind the wall. Raychel was a total surprise from God. God knew that daddy needed her and I needed daddy. I finally got to spend time with my rock. We talked about so many topics that were forbidden before; Vietnam, his family, his hopes and his dreams.  For two and a half years daddy saw Raych every single day possible and this meant I got to share that time with him as well. The love he had for her was unlike any I had ever seen. When you stood by and watched them you could feel this deep, deep emotion that brought tears to your eyes. I was thrilled daddy had something to look forward to every day and I was happy for Raych who came to know a love so complete that it would stay with her forever.

Then at the very young age of 58, he was gone. I replay the day he passed over and over in my head. Even after all these years my heart aches so badly I feel I can't breath. It's not fair! Even though he lived a life of 5 men, he was too young to leave me and his family. As I type this I have a feeling of such loss that nothing else seems to matter but being able to see him again and feel those mighty hands upon my shoulder. I want that hug that went completely around my body and made me feel like no one can ever hurt me. I want to be able to buy a Father's day gift that he will pretend to like. I want to touch that face of his and look into those eyes of such great knowledge and intense pain. It is at times like this that I question God's plan.

Many of you who read this will say that I am just like my dad. I can seem unemotional, focused, intense and always in control. On the flip side, I love my children more than life itself. There is nothing I won't do for them. I will not apologize....I am proud to be called my father's daughter.

Happy Father's day Master Sargent Kenneth Milton Shelton. Thank you for being my dad.

Kale chips? No way!

My goal for better health in 2013 is to exercise, lose weight and eat lots of fruits and vegetables.  It is a constant struggle….I love salty, greasy, crunchy chips! All kinds of chips; Lays orginal, Cheetos, Kettle chips, corn chips…you get the idea.

I have heard that kale is a medical marvel. Lots of vitamins, lots of flavor and you can make them into chips!! OMG! I can have all the chips I want with no guilt and no added inches to my already obese frame. I searched all the recipes online and even though I was a bit leery, it seemed simple enough…..olive oil, lots of sea salt and a huge mound of delicious green kale leaves.

First stop Wal-Mart. No kale. “Sir, can you tell me if you have any kale in the back? The bin is empty.” “No ma’am, we sell what we get in.” Now I am thinking to myself how amazing these chips are going to be since they cannot even keep kale in stock!

HEB-No kale.

Brookshire’s-No kale.

Now I am like a drug addict in search of a bag of green stuff. I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!

Last night my husband surprised me with an Easter gift. It was a huge bag of luscious green crinkled kale. I was so excited I could not wait to get the leaves washed, dried and into the olive oil and salt mixture. I gently put the parchment paper on a cookie sheet, turned on the oven, set the timer and gently placed these babies into the device that was going to turn these green healthy weeds, I mean leaves, into chips!!

The smell was a bit odd. A cross between salty oil and old spinach. I assumed this was the way they would become delicious niblets of salty goodness. The oven would cook the vegetable taste out of them. The buzzer went off and I grabbed my oven mitt and took the now green and goldish colored crispy things out of the oven and placed them on a rack to cool. I was so excited. My son and DIL were on their way home for the weekend and I could not wait to share this experience with them. My daughter was waiting with me. I kept checking back to see if they were cool. FINALLY!!! I pick up one  of the leaves and turn it over examining it like a rare jewel. I closed my eyes and placed it in my mouth and it just fell apart….mmmm….salt…olive oil….dirty socks and grass….wait! What??? This is a sick joke. These are nothing like potato chips. How can all those people be so wrong? All those articles on the internet about how amazing they are can’t be made up. “Raychel come try these!” Her face was priceless. At least this is a way to get her to drink more water! After that no one would even come into the kitchen, let alone try the kale.

After all this work I kinda wish I was a druggie. At least I could smoke the stuff. Where are my kettle chips?

50 and Fabulous!

The threat of today has been long in coming. As soon as Christmas was over the next milestone in my life was in the forefront of my mind. I will be turning 50. Just seeing the numbers in print makes my heart skip a beat. I do not know why I have this reaction because I am not vain or insecure nor have I ever been one to keep up with all the trends and fads to stay young. Basically what you see is what you get. My hair is more often than not in a pony tail, my make up is minimal and even though I am a lipstick addict, I rarely find time to put it on. I am a "get up at 7:30am and out the door by 7:45" kind of woman.

I looked in the mirror as I was getting ready (Yes, I had to flip it to the magnified side. Hush!) and saw a few more wrinkles that I had not noticed before. My lips are a bit thinner. My once big brown eyes are squinting to see, my beautiful black thick hair is now half gray that is kept under wraps by my beautiful cousin Donna, and my hands have these nice latte colored spots that are called ...egads!....age spots. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?! Sigh...that is me.....at 50.

The celebrating started this weekend with a night out with my best friend and her husband, a movie at the house with the addition of the kids who had just come in from the dance and Raychel and her cousin Ashlee baking cupcakes, a birthday cake and pudding parfaits. All of which I should not eat due to my diet. Their hearts were in the right place so I did not mind. Today I arrived at work and my coworkers made two different low calorie desserts, a vegetable tray and I see a huge Over the Hill sign plastered to my door. There are too many messages on my cell phone and the house phone rang off the wall this morning. So many people wanted to wish me a good day and take the time to gloat about either being younger or the fact that I am now "one of them".

My Facebook page is full of well wishes. My in box is being filled with virtual cards. My coworkers  keep popping in and smiling. I sit here trying to take stock of the past 50 years.

I AM 50! Okay, it's out there. I think I have been going about this all wrong. I have been trying desperately to review the path that brought me here to this place in time. Instead I need to just look at where I am at this precise moment and where I intended to go from here.

I surround myself with loving, caring and fun people. I have God as my daily guide and I have my family who can bring you down to the earth as quickly as the can raise you up. I have great friends who truly care about me and I about them. I have children who are strong and bold and gutsy.I have a husband who has watched this face and body change from a beautiful tall, thin 17 year old to the gorgeous, fat and fabulous 50 year old I am today and he still loves me. (I had to throw gorgeous in there or else I would cry!)

I am putting everyone on notice. The first half of my life I have spent building a foundation for my family. The second half will be spent loving life and enjoying what God has blessed me with. There will be changes ahead. I started with my hair by cutting off four inches and adding the big red bold chunks in the front. Who knows what will come next? One thing I know for sure 50 will be like no other year I ever celebrated before. As you see me change this year, I only ask one thing...unless you are over 50 do not judge me. Your turn will come sooner than you think.

Next weekend I will celebrate with my handsome son and my beautiful daughter in law. They will make it fun and young and hip. I will try to keep up!

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you mom and dad for bringing me into this world. Now it's time for me to enjoy every bit of it!