And then there were three....

When trying to figure out how I got to where I am today and determining what I am going to do to get back to "Me", I must first travel the road that led me here.

Funny how I can say "back in our day" and keep a straight face. When I became a young wife of a hardworking carpenter I used to hear this phrase before what was always a lecture with a lesson attached  from every person over the age of 45. Of course I would listen, ponder on it, and then do whatever I felt I needed to. Things are no different today except I am the one telling my own kids, "You know, back in our day...." 

Everyone told us to enjoy the newlywed phase and get to know each other before having children. We listened. We pondered. And then God had a different plan. One year and one week to the day after our wedding, we welcomed into this world a baby boy. From the moment I held him in my arms I became commando mom. From one moment to the next the 20 year old "girl" was wife, mother, teacher and protector. It immediately became my life's mission to raise this baby boy with all the love and care that one human can give to another. He became my entire world. I hand monogrammed and ironed all his little clothes, boiled cloth diapers on the stove, talked to him nonstop and loved him with all that I am. I could not bear to go back to work and leave him so I stayed home for 18 months with him and taught him all the things that a toddler should know....how to pray, saying Yes sir and Yes Ma'am, Please and Thank You, manners, how to hold a knife and fork, potty training complete at 17 months, not getting finger prints on the coffee table, putting away toys every night exactly in the same spot you got them from, cleaning baseboards, making his little bed, etc......sigh.....yes, I was obsessed. I see that now. At the time I was just being the best mom I knew how to be. Everything had to be perfect. Nothing could be out of place. He was the smartest, best dressed, most well mannered and well behaved child anyone had seen. My entire universe evolved around my son and raising him to be a wonderful man and some day the best father any child could hope for. I figured if I strived for perfect and fell short, then at least it would still be amazing! Mediocre was not in my vocabulary.

Nathan never disappointed us. He was kind. considerate, obeyed and never talked back. He did what he was asked to do and never once threw a tantrum. Even in HS when he was determined to become his own person, he was still respectful and obedient. He was a great student, musician, athlete and absolutely gorgeous. He went to church every Sunday and worked when he could. He was every parent's dream teenager.

When he was in college he admitted that he was not so perfect and had done a few things behind our backs. I laugh about it now but at the time I thought my whole world came crashing down around me. "WHAT?? YOU ARE NOT PERFECT?" It took me years to get over it. I kept asking myself where I had gone wrong. I know some of you are laughing and shaking your heads. I must tell you, my life was raising Nathan. I had no life of my own. I believed God put me on this earth to be Nathan's mom and I took that task very seriously.

Nathan is now a wonderful young man and married to an amazing young lady named Jodi. He lives in NY and is living his life the way he and Jodi choose to. I am so proud of him. I  miss him every hour of the day but the rule we put in place when he went off to college is still in force today; he calls, texts or IM's me every day. I am thankful for that.

I often sit and think about how on earth I let him go. How did I let what was my entire life move away and start a life of his own? Then it hit me: Being the parent I was, even though it breaks my heart to see him go, I am overwhelmed with joy that he is so happy. At the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that my son is safe, happy and loved. And he is.

I said "I do!"

At the age of 19 you do not think about your life at 49 or how to raise a family. All I knew was this tall handsome Czech boy asked me to be his wife and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. On March 6, 1982 I promised to love, honor and cherish but refused to include the word "obey".  That is when Louie knew life with me would be a challenge. We had an amazing Czech wedding complete with polka band and buffet style meal for our 359 guests.  When we left for the traditional "throwing rice" event there were only about 15 people left. We enjoyed the wedding so much we were part of the last to leave. The next day we went back and helped clean the dance hall and had the family over to enjoy with us leftovers and opening of the gifts. We did not go on our honeymoon until that following Monday. We traveled ALL THE WAY to San Antonio and spent a week just enjoying each other's company. At the time I did not realize how simple we were. There was no drama over the dress; my  mom said "This one!" and I said "Okay!". There was no pampering or getting make-up and hair done the day of the wedding; I stood in the bathroom of our soon to be home and just got ready like I did every other day. My parents came up from Killeen the night before and we all got ready together. This day was not about “the bride” or the event itself. It was about love, family and God. My most treasured moment was when we broke tradition once again and my father danced the first dance with me to a Czech song about a girl getting married and her father giving her away to the new man in her life. When my father led me by the hand to Louie for our first dance together as husband and wife, I knew that he was not giving me away, as was the tradition, but was including my husband into our family. As I look back I realize that day was the foundation of the way we would share our life together. We do not need elaborate vacations or primping or pampering. Life has never been about what we each want but more of what we can accomplish together. We live simply but love elaborately. After almost 30 years our life is still about love, family and God.

The day you realize you no longer know who you are.

I woke up on the 21st of January and took a long look in the mirror. Was that me? The once young, thin, fun and fabulous girl was now a tired, old, frumpy and obese mom of two and wife to Louie for 30 years. We all glance at ourselves periodically and think about the way we used to be and sigh that we are changing but do you ever just look into the mirror and straight into your own eyes and deep into your own soul? Try it. One of two things can happen; you smile and say "hello" or you gasp and ask "Who the hell is that?". I did the latter. I knew right then and there I had to make changes in my life.

This blog will be about life as a 49 year old in a small town in Texas. There will be tears, joy, hate and love but most of all it will be real. Take this journey with me as I make major changes in my life.

P.S. The text in this blog is purple. Purple is for passion. I love it! <3