And then there were three....

When trying to figure out how I got to where I am today and determining what I am going to do to get back to "Me", I must first travel the road that led me here.

Funny how I can say "back in our day" and keep a straight face. When I became a young wife of a hardworking carpenter I used to hear this phrase before what was always a lecture with a lesson attached  from every person over the age of 45. Of course I would listen, ponder on it, and then do whatever I felt I needed to. Things are no different today except I am the one telling my own kids, "You know, back in our day...." 

Everyone told us to enjoy the newlywed phase and get to know each other before having children. We listened. We pondered. And then God had a different plan. One year and one week to the day after our wedding, we welcomed into this world a baby boy. From the moment I held him in my arms I became commando mom. From one moment to the next the 20 year old "girl" was wife, mother, teacher and protector. It immediately became my life's mission to raise this baby boy with all the love and care that one human can give to another. He became my entire world. I hand monogrammed and ironed all his little clothes, boiled cloth diapers on the stove, talked to him nonstop and loved him with all that I am. I could not bear to go back to work and leave him so I stayed home for 18 months with him and taught him all the things that a toddler should know....how to pray, saying Yes sir and Yes Ma'am, Please and Thank You, manners, how to hold a knife and fork, potty training complete at 17 months, not getting finger prints on the coffee table, putting away toys every night exactly in the same spot you got them from, cleaning baseboards, making his little bed, etc......sigh.....yes, I was obsessed. I see that now. At the time I was just being the best mom I knew how to be. Everything had to be perfect. Nothing could be out of place. He was the smartest, best dressed, most well mannered and well behaved child anyone had seen. My entire universe evolved around my son and raising him to be a wonderful man and some day the best father any child could hope for. I figured if I strived for perfect and fell short, then at least it would still be amazing! Mediocre was not in my vocabulary.

Nathan never disappointed us. He was kind. considerate, obeyed and never talked back. He did what he was asked to do and never once threw a tantrum. Even in HS when he was determined to become his own person, he was still respectful and obedient. He was a great student, musician, athlete and absolutely gorgeous. He went to church every Sunday and worked when he could. He was every parent's dream teenager.

When he was in college he admitted that he was not so perfect and had done a few things behind our backs. I laugh about it now but at the time I thought my whole world came crashing down around me. "WHAT?? YOU ARE NOT PERFECT?" It took me years to get over it. I kept asking myself where I had gone wrong. I know some of you are laughing and shaking your heads. I must tell you, my life was raising Nathan. I had no life of my own. I believed God put me on this earth to be Nathan's mom and I took that task very seriously.

Nathan is now a wonderful young man and married to an amazing young lady named Jodi. He lives in NY and is living his life the way he and Jodi choose to. I am so proud of him. I  miss him every hour of the day but the rule we put in place when he went off to college is still in force today; he calls, texts or IM's me every day. I am thankful for that.

I often sit and think about how on earth I let him go. How did I let what was my entire life move away and start a life of his own? Then it hit me: Being the parent I was, even though it breaks my heart to see him go, I am overwhelmed with joy that he is so happy. At the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that my son is safe, happy and loved. And he is.